BEHIND the camera!

A production designer that I'd worked with several times called me up, and said she had to leave her History Channel project for something else. Would I be interested in taking over? Sure -- seems easy enough, a 9-11 recreation to go along with some interviews with survivors. I meet the producer and director, and really like their journalistic style.

My first day is in a bar in Georgetown. The production designer, Alex, is still working with us, so it's a crossover day. I'm busily dressing the set, when the director comes up to me.

"Ah, I need to ask you something," he says, in a somewhat sheepish voice.

"Yes?"

"Well, here is my problem." He pulls out his three-ring binder. "You see, this is the person we interviewed," he shows me a photo of a middle-aged fellow, glasses, bald as a cue ball, "and this is the actor they sent me," bald fellow, glasses, about 80. "So, I was wondering, you see..." and his eyes travel over my face.

"Ah. Well, I'm fine with that. But there's a problem: I can't act. And I'm wearing a t-shirt that says 'Syriana' on it. And I haven't shaved in three days."

"No problem. Wardrobe and makeup will take care of that." I look at Alex, she shrugs, so off I go.

The suit is too small, and the tie is ghastly, but I clean up ok. I'm walking back to the set, and the director hands me some paper. "Here are your lines."

I stop.

"Lines!? Wait a second, you didn't say anything about lines!"

"Well, it's mostly ad-libbed. You'll do fine."

"Perhaps you missed this the first time I mentioned it: I CAN'T ACT."

By now it's too late. They're ready to roll. I plop down in the booth with the (other) two actors, who greet me.

"Hi, I'm Bob! You look familiar -- what were you in last?"

"Bus Stop."

"Oh -- with anybody I know?"

"Yeah -- Shae D'Lyn."

"Cool. When was this?"

"Fall of 1980. We were both high school seniors."

Well, I stumbled through the lines, and the director seemed happy. I am really really hoping that they put narration or something under this footage, or, better yet, cut it entirely. I really do not like being on camera. Nor should you like me for me to be on camera. It can frighten your children.

In telling this story to an old high school chum, he remarked that the 1980 Fauquier Senior High School production of "Bus Stop" netted a few people who went on to make drama their careers: Shae D'Lyn (then Shae Sherertz) played the female lead, and the guy who played the male lead went on to act in some films. The fellow who played his sidekick, Virgil, now directs and has worked on something like 50 feature films.

And then there's me.

And it will never, ever happen again...