Working the Red Shift

"I'm from lots of places."

2008-08-21T13:38:00.003-04:00

The line is, of course, from that most wonderful of B-movies, "Highlander." In this case the utterer is about 500 years old and has, indeed, lived all over. But I use it too, when people say "Where are you from?" When you live in West Virginia, New York, Pennsylvania and Virginia before you're eight years old, you get to say that. But I guess I've always said I'm "from" Pennsylvania, specifically a little suburb of Philly.

As a kid, I'd look at a cartoon that took place in a suburb, and think "that looks like here," not knowing that basically all postwar suburbs looked pretty much the same. I envisioned Charlie Brown and Linus living down the street, or Billy and PJ from "Family Circus" tracing dashed lines through my own backyard.

And now, almost four decades later, I find out I was right. From Wikipedia's entry on "The Family Circus:"

Thelma and Bill were married in 1948. She moved from Australia to her
husband's hometown of Philadelphi Pennsylvania and eventually settled in the
suburb of Roslyn, Pennsylvania. The couple would have five children between
1949 and 1958.

Roslyn, PA. That's the little Philly suburb I'm from. The house we lived in was built in 1954. Quarter-acre lot, hedge fence in the back, a bunch of young families in their first homes, courtesy of the GI Bill. Playgrounds. Elementary schools. Churches. All within walking distance.

And faint hash marks in the back yard.

Retro Ad

2008-08-08T00:36:00.002-04:00

I think he's saying "You're just like your mother." Brings up all kinds of possible angles!

Then again, had Benjamin been driving an A6 instead of that 1.6L Alfa, he might have gotten there before the ceremony...

Trailer for "Laid to Rest" is up

2008-07-29T18:29:00.003-04:00

Along with the teaser poster at left.

Trailer looks pretty good. We had a talented young editor on the set with us, who also directed second unit stuff. So he had a pretty serious jump on post-production before we even wrapped.

It's hard not to look at the sets -- including all of my own stuff on the walls of Tucker's house, and my own giant arse on that cot in the jail cell...

www.laidtorestmovie.com

Smart -- very Smart

2008-07-24T00:08:00.002-04:00

Went to see "Get Smart" today. I think it's one of the better re-boots of the old 60's shows (and there aren't that many left, really; perhaps I should option "My Mother the Car" before it's too late). Steve Carell hits all the marks, The Rock is at his best being a bit self-parodying, and Alan Arkin is a pro as always. It's a fun, silly, well-crafted movie.

One flaw, of course, is that the credits were missing the DC unit. Which means yours truly once again, is denied the thrill of a name on the screen. Alas.

Speaking of my films, I see that the trailer for "Red" is out. I'd read the book, and enjoyed it. It appeared from the sides that I read that the script was almost word-for-word from the book, and all of the scenes in the trailer seem familiar. I know it made it to Sundance, but I am unaware if its been picked up.

http://www.azmovies.net/red.html

City Life, Part 33

2008-06-19T12:46:00.001-04:00

The Girlfriend grew up in the Bronx, and went to college in Boston.

I grew up in rural Fauquier County, Virginia, and went to college in Fredericksburg. In the former, you parked in the field. In the latter, we had parking lots. So the art of parallel parking was a difficult one for me to master.

But man, as bad as I am, I can't compare with this woman...

Some hate it hot

2008-06-17T14:55:00.003-04:00

So the first day of shooting stills for the BBC production "In the Loop" was uneventful. We were inside the old terminal at National Airport ("Why do you call it 'National' instead of 'Reagan,'" asked one of the Brits. "Tradition. Same reason I call JFK 'Ildewild.'"). I love the old terminal. It's one for the few ones remaining that really hearken back to the old days of aviation, when flying was something special, and not just an exercise in humiliation by TSA agents. And of course the fact I once lived in a house that was designed by the same architect, Charles Goodman, will always leave a soft spot.

But most importantly, it was nice and cool inside the airport. I got fussed at by an actor for messing up his eyeline, and he was right to chastise me. I apologized and we had some nice conversations after that; the fact that I thought he was fantastic as King George III in HBO's "John Adams" -- which he had not yet seen -- probably helped.

Saturday, not so much. Once the fog burned off of NW DC, the Brits started melting. None of the had experience, I'm guessing, that charming combination of 99 degrees and 85% humidity, or whatever the hell it was that day. We went inside for a while, then banged out some shots outside The Black Cat. Then inside the club, which was deliciously cool.

Monday was mostly interiors, at the Hyatt. We ventured outside only briefly.

Then came Tuesday. Base camp was outside DAR, and at my 7:30AM call time it was already approaching 85. This was not going to be fun.

I just can't describe that heat. Fortunately for me, I was only lugging around a couple Nikon bodies and a dozen or so lenses. The poor grips, electrics, props and set people were carrying around their normal boxcars of stuff. And the actors -- they were dressed in dark, conservative, State Department type suits, and they were running. And not complaining. Some real pros on this shoot -- and some wickedly funny comedic actors to boot. I almost blew the first take in my professional career, trying to stifle a laugh at one bit of improv. I am really looking forward to this one coming out. Maybe they'll come back and shoot again.

In October. Yeah. Or March.

Still(s) the one

2008-06-07T00:05:00.002-04:00

Yay -- a gig shooting stills again. It's been a while. Four days for a BBC production about the run-up to the Iraq war. Mostly British crew, British actors, ad-libbed script, and very funny. Fortunately I'm still stealthy with my blimped Nikons -- only got run into once, and that was by the boom operator, who's about 11 feet tall anyway.

Early call tomorrow -- sleepy time.

The Maryland Film Industry

2008-05-15T08:23:00.003-04:00

Interesting, if somewhat disjointed, article about the film biz and Maryland, and the possible end of it soon:

http://www.citypaper.com/news/story.asp?id=15658

I love the comments -- one genius suggests that spending tax dollars to attract helicopter factories is on par with keeping the film business infrastructure that's already established. Such short-sighted people are why we have so many empty warehouses and shut down factories in this area...

Reel Work pays off, dog

2008-05-11T17:20:00.003-04:00

We won -- a team I worked on for the International Documentary Challenge was awarded "Best Use of Music Genre," for our seven-minute mini-documentary, "Old Soul." This is especially rewarding for me, as I'm the one who found our subject: Musician, photographer, philosopher, and world-traveller Jason Hamacher. Jason and I go back quite a ways, to my first music video, in fact (Decahedron's "No Carrier"). Jason rang me up in the spring to shoot some video of his gallery opening of photographs from Syria, and when I was offered a role to shoot and help edit a project for the IDC, I suggested Jason. He was, I knew, great on camera and had a compelling story. This project was part of a five-day project: To write, produce, edit, and finalize a short documentary over an extended weekend.

We interviewed Jason about his mission to document ancient chants from Syria, a representative of the Syrian embassy, and a priest from a local Syriac Orthodox church. Shaz Mallick produced -- can't wait to work on the next one.

Laying "Laid to Rest" to rest

2008-05-07T17:49:00.001-04:00

Final tally:

Number of days worked (paid): 39

Number of days worked (unpaid): 4

Longest shift: 29.5 hours

Shortest shift: 6 hours (wrap day!)

Coldest temp: 40 degrees

Warmest temp: 88 degrees

Number of rainy days: All?

Props lost: Toshiba laptop, silver lamp, clock radio, Canon printer, Ryobi battery charger, 2 of Mike's prop guns (which I must replace, grr), Garmin GPS.

Worst moment: Having to fire someone

Best moment: Dangling Lena Heady by her ankles. True story. We had this rig that was faking part of a wall, as the bad guy had (as the story goes) dragger her character out of her bedroom window. Part of the scene is shot with a remarkably life-like Lena dummy; the other part with Lena herself. When it's clear she isn't going to be able to hold on to the handholds, the F/X supervisor looked at his two scrawny high-school age interns, and shook his head, then noted my own 230 lb frame. "Bentley! Get over here." So for 45 minutes I'm stadling there, thinking, over and over, "I'm holding Sarah Conner by her ankles. I'm holding Sarah Conner by her ankles. My life has really gotten weird. I once wiped fake vomit off of Rutger Hauer's crotch. I put flowers into Christopher Walken's hand. I almost threw Stephen Gagan off his own set. I rode up in an elevator with Ed Harris, my mouth agape that I towered over him. I talked football with John Voigt. I cleaned out Russell Crowe's used food bucket (don't ask). But I have to say, dangling Sarah Conner was perhaps the high point of my long and illustrious art department career.

Profanities used: Incalculable

Sunsets seen: 29

Sunrises seen: 28

Vehicles driven: Seven: My Honda, Tommy's VW, Stephen's Corolla, the hearse, Tucker's truck, the sheriff's squad car, Chromeskull's Chrysler.

Days I wanted to quit: 3

Days I realized I have the best job in the world: 43

Last looks

2008-05-06T18:54:00.003-04:00

In LA, they have dedicated art department warehouses. Out here, there isn't enough business to keep such places alive, so we tend to use the remains of failed industries. On Syriana, we used an old warehouse from a closed factory. For Wedding Crashers, it was a semi-abandoned furniture store. For NT2, it was a closed moving company warehouse. This time, it was an abandoned storeroom at a (mostly) abandoned mental hospital. Five weeks ago, when I first saw it -- debris-strewn, peeling paint, broken windows, a vague smell (chlorine? urine?) in the back, no water, limited power -- I was in love. For the first time, it was my art department.

Over the next few weeks, it got full. Full of props, set dressing, severed human heads, various bodies, gallons of fake blood, power tools, sawdust, guns, everything a growing boy needs.

There were times I hated it. When it was 4AM, and pouring rain, and 40 degrees, and I was working on three hours sleep, it seemed a bit like hell. But mostly, it was home. For five weeks.

Today I cleared out the last of my tools. The faint smell of (chlorine? urine?) is still there, along with that weird clingy smell that the fake blood makes, and the stale odor of the literally hundreds of cigarettes smoked by our F/X interns. A family of wasps was already laying claim to a corner. A lone broom, Maryland state property, stood against the rusted old table saw. I took one last photo, clicked the lock shut, and remembered that stupid line from the Don Henley song, "I need to remember this." I first quoted that to myself in 1989, when I was moving from an apartment that I hated, in Greenbelt. And it pops into my head every time I see a place for the last time. Good places, bad places.

I remembered last Spring, when I was the last person on National Treasure 2; the rest of the set dressers had mostly moved on to other projects. Carl was off filling out paperwork, and Parker was loading scrap lumber into a truck. That warehouse was several times larger, but just as grimy, just as drafty, and just as full of old industrial memories, creeping in the ones we'd just created. I'd spent about five weeks there, too. I looked around, breathed in the dusty air one last time, and pulled the door shut.

It doesn't feel like filmmaking. But it doesn't feel like anything else, either.

A fitting end

2008-04-30T11:56:00.003-04:00

The picture wrapped. Finally. After 13 hours of shooting, the sun was up, and we'd finished a big special effects shot. The last shot on the day was a closed set, an actress in a shower. So the rest of us got a jump on wrapping the sets, and the grips started assembling their miles of cable, tons of chromium steel stands, and shot bags. I dropped off a few things at the lockup, then, my car literally filled to the roof with personal possessions (including an oak sleigh bed), I headed up to my storage locker and unloaded.

Done.

Tuesday evening, we had our wrap party, at a lovely little private marina over in Eastport. As always with this production, the weather was abnormally cold. But everyone was having a good time. Drinks were aplenty, and we ran a few scenes for the crew, plus some (pretty funny) behind-the-scenes footage. Fun times.

Until, of course, Annapolis' finest paid a visit based on complaints about noise. Things got worse from there: One person arrested for unknown reasons, another for mouthing off to the arresting officers. The rest of us tried to figure out a bar in which to continue the party, but I got separated from the van. Realizing I was too tired to stay out anyway, I trekked home and got a great night's sleep. Which means I didn't get to make all the goodbyes I'd wanted to, but that's film.

And that's a wrap.

Tick tock

2008-04-26T13:50:00.004-04:00

Only a few days left. We're cramming scenes in like commuters on a Tokyo commuter train -- there's always room for one more. Last night I was told, suddenly, that we were to shoot the shower scene, the one scheduled for Sunday night. Of course, the location with the shower had no shower head. I was a aware, and one of the things I was supposed to pick up at Home Depot on Sunday was a new head; being told at 3AM that I needed one in 45 minutes created a slight dilemma -- but I actually found one. Installed it in minutes, noticed that it leaked like sieve, took it apart, repaired it with rubber bands and super glue, and put it back together, only to be asked on radio if we "have options for a different shower head." It's 3AM! The shot wasn't on the callsheet! Sheesh.

We wrapped on a Sean Whalen today (pictured), a very nice fellow who was perfect for his role. He brought in an enormous pile of cookies for the crew -- a nice touch.

Tonight I have to have another house dressed. It's close to being done, but there are a few remaining issues, such as smalls, curtains, photos, etc. Call time is 7PM, and it's 2 right now. I should be asleep, but a marching band rolled through the neighborhood an hour or so ago, and I can't seem to drop off again. Might as well head over to set now. That will of course mean another 18-19 hour day, but what the hell, this is why I get the big bucks (but not a Starbucks in the morning; apparently my Production Designer title isn't quite impressive enough to the young fellow who does the the coffee runs; he brings one for the director, the producers and the DP. No respect, I tell you, no respect!)

Setting thy houses in order

2008-04-25T13:34:00.003-04:00

Two if them, to be exact: They're old caretaker's homes at the fringe of the facility. One is in decent shape, as one of the maintenance guys lived there until recently. The other is, quite literally, falling apart. My scenic put her hand through a plaster wall trying to paint it. The script calls for a certain southern poverty, but this might be overdoing it.

The line producer calls me at 1100 telling me that they're moving up the schedule one day. Instead of having two days and one night to prep the next set, I have one day, eight hours to be exact. So I scramble for set dressing, my carpenter bangs out the needed doors and windows, his helper scrounges for smalls, and I sit in the hotel lobby creating fake web sites. We're ready. It really wasn't that big of a change, as we've actually gone past the most difficult sets. There are five days left in the shoot, plus three more for wrap, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- and I'm pretty sure it's not a GP40.

When this movie wraps, I will have exactly one day before I start prepping for some commercials in New Jersey. And, in the middle of that, it looks like I'll be doing greens for a major feature that is rolling through DC in mid May. It's nice to be working, but it would also be nice to have a single day off this spring...

I'm getting too old for this shite

2008-04-22T15:56:00.005-04:00

I'm not quite the oldest person on the set, but I'm in the top five. And with the exception of the effects supervisor, I'm pretty sure I work the most hours. That's a tough combination; the 21-year olds can do fine on 19 hours of physical labor after three hours of sleep, but those days are behind me. Plus I'm a notorious stress eater, and given that I operate in panic mode 90% of the time on this project, I'm gobbling down junk food like Rosanne at Hershey Park.

Yep. 19 hours. Our producer gave us a little pep talk on Monday about how we were going to run "a little long" over the next night. Call time was 7PM, wrap was 2:10PM. I was working about three hours before call, and three hours after wrap. Ouch. Too tired to sleep now, and need to be back on the set at 7:30AM on Wednesday, dress and build until 7:00PM, then cover the set for another 12 hours. I'm treating myself to one beer as a I write this, and it's not the crappy Natty Bo that we took from the set today, it's a nice cold Sierra Nevada. Of course, I can see the Natty Bo neon sign from where I'm sitting -- my rooftop deck -- and since it's 71 and beautiful out, for once, I'm pretty content. A cigar would be great right now, but my throat is a bit too raw. Half the crew was hacking and coughing today. The DP sounded like E.T., and the scripty pretty much coughed continuously for 19 hours.

Had a little spat with the construction supervisor today. De juro he works for me, but de facto he is best friends with the line producer, so it's sometimes difficult to task him. There are only seven shooting days left, and not that much construction to do, so perhaps I'll actually get through this thing.

After eating a pound of peanut M&M's a day, of course...

April Showers

2008-04-21T09:00:00.003-04:00

...bring high water bills in May. Or so they say.

We're drenched. It's rained so damn much on this shoot, but tonight it was a downpour. The little tent area where makeup and sfx make their homes was literally flooded, an inch plus of standing water that simply could not be absorbed by the waterlogged ground. I'm happy I spent the $150 on new waterproof boots in March.

I'm beyond tired. I'd been trying to wean myself from the set, by slowly introducing two of my staff into the roles of on-set dresser and propmaster. Didn't work. The second unit used some of our props, and f'd up one of them -- without telling us. When it played back on A Unit, no one noticed that it was in the wrong configuration -- I didn't notice because I wasn't there, I was off set working on some web site props. The two folks on A Unit didn't notice because they didn't see what B Unit was shooting. Our script supervisor didn't notice, because she wasn't on B Unit -- no one was doing scripty for B Unit. Finally one of the grips (!) casually mentioned to me that the prop was wrong. I ran in, and sure enough, they'd done nine takes on three setups with the wrong prop. I told the director, who was furious. So now I need to be on set at all times -- I've taken over propmaster duties in addition to being Art Director and Production Designer.

Of course, this limits my ability to do any kind of swing work, and invariably I get dragged into set dressing too.

Today someone moved one of the props (a hero cell phone). I was pretty livid, but didn't say anything (other than griping in my blog). It took about an hour to find it, and the director was none too happy about that amount of time, as he wants the phone for himself when we wrap.

Tomorrow is going to be rough. The producers told us today to expect 16 hours of shooting, followed by a full company move. I generally arrive four hours before call, so it's looking like (another) 24 hour day for me. Ostensibly Tuesday is our off day, but I have five setups to have ready for Wednesday's call, so I might have to push on and prep those, followed by another 12 hours of shooting. I always thought when I became a department head my life would get easier, not harder...

Impressed some of the kids today by calculating how far off the lightning was (counting the time between the flash and the thunder). One insisted that light and sound travel at the same speed... and we wonder why the US is falling behind in science...

Safety first

2008-04-19T09:25:00.003-04:00

I'm a bit of a safety Nazi when it comes to firearms on the set. Fortunately, the first AD shares this trait. So we go through the ritual of examining my 1871 .45 before each scene, or the weird shotguns that get called for in a couple of sets. I think some of the rest of the crew think we're obsessive. Too bad. If I'm going to wrangle weapons, I'm doing it my way.

The actor carrying the weapon is Kevin Gage, who is just plain a great guy. His character is not a hero, but acts heroically in this film. I've enjoyed a number of conversations about a variety of topics with Mr. Gage. In addition to being a very fine actor, he's a funny guy, and he also make sure to note the name of even the PA's. That means a lot to a crew member, especially compared with another actor, since wrapped, who shall remain nameless -- in addition to appearing on set drunk out of his mind each night, he was rude and abusive to just about everyone. Gage is a gentleman, and it's a pleasure to watch him work. Oh, and we could be brothers.. we're about the same height, and the same weight (although the distribution is somewhat different). Same hairline. Same bushy eyebrows and blue eyes. Same beard (well, I had to shave mine to play the sheriff). In fact, I also doubled for Gage in a scene, where his character is driving up to an old barn -- in his wardrobe, from behind, no one can tell.

In fact, I have now played three roles: Sheriff Tate, doubling for Gage, and, as of tonight, doubling for the killer. A few days ago, the director asked a bunch of the crew to write down a few city names, as the killer collects, shall we say, trinkets about his victims, and documents them electronically. I did my example. The director flipped through the dozen or so examples, grabbed mine, held it up, and proclaimed "THIS is a serial killer's handwriting." So I've got that going for me. So tonight, we needed an insert of the killer actually writing one of his labels. Wardrobe put me into the killer's jacket, I stood on an apple box (the actor who plays the killer is at least eight inches taller than I), and I wrote out "Miami #2" in my best serial-killer/architectural draftsman penmanship.

Have I mentioned lately that I can't act?

"It's beautiful here in Spring -- you'll love it"

2008-04-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

Much of the crew for this film is from L.A. When I interviewed with the producers in March (which seems like March of 1955 about now), I assured them that while winters in Maryland are no fun, and summer absolutely sucks, our springs and falls are beyond comparison. So, naturally, it's been about 20 degrees colder than average throughout this shoot, and it's rained virtually every night. At one point lightning storms blew in over an exterior set. We'll work in the rain, but not in an electrical storm -- we scattered pretty quickly.

A few days ago we moved locations, from the Creepy Abandoned Mental Hospital (tm) to an old barn south of Annapolis. In that the production has but one truck, a former U-Haul renter which belongs to my construction supervisor, it ran back and forth all day, carrying effects gear, makeup, tents, tables, etc, until we finally got it to move all of the art department. Now, here's the thing: Before the move we shot for 13 hours. We had a ten hour turnaround, of which we spent about nine moving everything. Then we shot for 12 hours. You do the math. The director, who almost always remembers what it was like to be a grunt on a crew, seemed to have missed the timing factoid, and was getting pretty grumpy about there being any delays in setting up a shot. At this point I had to wrap my on-set people, as they were into their 25th straight hour. So I'm covering the set by myself, and the requirements for each take were as such: Tie down the semi-naked girl in the coffin, who will star screaming as the killer approaches. Wrangle the beat-up coffin, with its mostly broken hinges, into a position where its lid will stand up at exactly 91 degrees. Re-rig my tiny piece of minofilament that I will use to make the coffin lid fall. Then time a swing with a 20' stick that will hit a swinging light right as the actress throws her stunt knife. All this will happen while we're rolling sound, so I must be silent, and we're shooting with two cameras, one of which as an 8mm lens -- meaning the cameras "see" about 290 degrees of coverage. Oh and one of them is on a Technocrane, and moves about 10' during the shot. You do the math: Either I was in the shot, blocked by a camera, pulling too hard on the mono, the hinges on the $250 coffin were shearing off, my light-hitting stick was in the shot, etc. The director was furious. Oh, and meanwhile, the second unit was setting up a shot in which a drill bit comes crashing through the top of a coffin. Of course I'm the only one with a keyhole bit, so I'm rigging this setup between takes, and running the drill too. My poor Ryobi is too hot to touch, there's smoke coming from the bit, and I've already killed two batteries in prep.

I do in fact have the greatest job in the world, but sometimes it can be a bit stressful. Having always been a stress eater, that I've put on five pounds on this production should really come as no surprise.

Night Shoots

2008-04-11T08:20:00.002-04:00

The first rule of the film is not to talk about the film. The second rule is "obey all rules." Or something like that.

So I can't go into detail. Suffice it to say that the latest project is a horror film being shot at an abandoned mental hospital. It doesn't get any more artistic than that, eh? But I'm actually enjoying myself: The director is a great guy, and he's spent so much time below the line that he knows how to ask for things in triage: Level one he has to have, level two would be nice, level three he doesn't give a shite. I love that. It allows me to plan and react, instead of just doing one.

And for the first time in a feature, I'm The Guy: Production Designer. Sure, it's a low-budget slasher film, and my staff consists of five people, so there is some serious title inflation going on here. But it is nice to not only be allowed to have input, but to expected to do so. Last night we shot the biggest and most involved set of the shoot, where we turned a 2,400 square foot office into a cramped, run-down rural sheriff's office, complete with jail cell. I've seen the dailies and it actually looks pretty good.

Oh, and once again, me with my everyman face has been plucked from the crew and stuck in front of the camera. This time I play a rural sheriff, big belly sticking out over the Sam Browne belt. I won't tell you what happens to the sheriff, but it's not pretty.

Call time is generally 6PM, and we wrap around 7AM. It's weird to come home in the morning and hit the sack. But, what the hell, I can never sleep at night anyway.

More to come. It's good to be working again.

Oscar Project, Revisited

2008-03-14T15:34:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I set out to watch every Oscar-winning film in my lifetime. Then I expanded that to every Oscar-nominated film. Then I realized I'm older than dirt, so adding in all the films back to 1929 wasn't that much more. My categories were Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director. It actually took me a while to assemble the database: There are 1,148 individual films in that list.

Three years later, I've seen 532 of them, or 53.7%

I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew. Especially since so many of them aren't readily available. Turner Classics has churned up a few that were never released on DVD or even VHS, but a few remain, I color them dark blue in my database. And, sadly, five nominees are lost for ever (so I can knock that number down to 1,143! Woohoo!)

In this project, I've encountered some absolutely wonderful movies that I probably never would have watched, had I not assigned myself this task: "Best Years of our Lives" is one of the best films I've ever seen. "Gentleman's Agreement" was ahead of its time, "The Apartment" is still funny and charming. Even "The Broadway Melody of 1929," a title that made me cringe, was fun. I generally loathe musicals, but thought "Gigi" was enjoyable, and I liked the way the music was integrated into "An American in Paris."

On the other hand, there are some unmitigated disasters on that list, and they represent a few hours that I will never get back. "Around the World in 80 Days" was unbelievably pretentious; "Quo Vadis" was beyond absurd; and I'll never understand how "Ordinary People" beat out "Raging Bull" for Best Picture.

So my next goal is to check off all the Best Picture winners. I have 12 to go (well, 11.5 -- I started "Wings" but didn't finish it, it's still on the DVR). They are:

1 Greatest Show on Earth
2 All About Eve
3 All the King's Men
4 Going My Way
5 Mrs. Miniver
6 How Green Was My Valley
7 You Can't Take it With You
8 The Great Ziegfield
9 Cavalcade
10 Grand Hotel
11 Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans
12 Wings (finish it)

I have a feeling I'm going to despise "Greatest Show," but the rest, from what I've read the rest should be treats.

After that, what should I do? Crank out the Best Picture nominees? Or fill in the winners from the other categories? If I do that, at least I could make the claim that I've seen every winner in every major category for every year -- not many people can say that.

I just don't know if I have 500 more movies in me...

To 2008

2008-01-14T17:57:00.000-05:00

2007:

Barry Bonds gets an asterisk next to his HR record

The NFL has two players murdered

The Patriots get caught cheating, but are allowed to continue to play, and wind up 16-0 (another asterisk)

Weakest film year I can remember -- no idea what will win Best Picture (can't wait for that press conference)

So, as I move away from the nascent film career, and focus on... hmm, retail? Fast food management? Sanitation? The opportunities are boundless for a 40-something who isn't a programmer, accountant, medical or legal professional. Is TSA still hiring?

Well, at least the political junkie gets to follow the election race.

You want fries with that?

Wither Tourist Guy?

2007-12-30T18:29:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I've found myself thinking of Tourist Guy lately. Perhaps it's because I've been slinging backpacks and such over the shoulders during holiday travel -- me and a few million of my closest friends. But more than that, I thought of the viral way in which Tourist Guy started appearing in other places -- at the Dallas Jail in 1963, at Malta behind FDR, next to a rabble-rousing Lt JG John Kerry in 1971. So I thought I'd make my own.

Where's Waldo?

Awaiting football justice

2007-11-18T22:45:00.000-05:00

As I watch the New England Patriots go for it on 4th-and-1... with a 32-point lead... in the 4th quarter... I am starting to wonder about Bill Belichick. He's an enigma. We know he's a football genius, we know he cheats, and we know his son is a criminal. But I'm starting to suspect he's insane: He's having his star quarterback, who's kind of a prettyboy to start with, drop back into the pocket when the game is long over. He's having his star receiver (Moss), who's already had two seasons shortened by injuries with two different teams, run routes across the middle when the team has a 40-point lead.

I have news for Mr. Belichick: Not every coach is a gentleman like Joe Gibbs or DIck Jauron. If Belichick demonstrates his lack of class against, say, Pittsburgh, Mike Tomlin will send 11 men on a blitz, have two of them do it offsides, and take out Billy's golden boy. This is, after all, the team that made Kimo von Oelhoffen a hero for deliberately taking out Cincinnati's Chris Palmer in a deliberate, post-play, attack-the-knee, cheapest of cheap shots.

Oh, and as long as we're at it, WTF is with the field at Gillette Stadium? Their artificial turf always looks like a wet parking lot during night games. Why any team with an outdoor stadium would chose artificial turf for a football stadium is a mystery to me anyway, but you'd think that for $325M, they could put together a field that isn't shamed by the local high schools.

We'll see how this goes. The 72 Dolphins were an amazingly talented team, led by one of the greatest coaches in history. It would be a shame if their perfect record was eclipsed by this crew of no-class cheaters.

Where's the love?

2007-11-18T16:51:00.000-05:00

So when your home teams are pretty bad (Orioles, Redskins, Nationals) you try to live vicariously through other games. Often, it's not a matter of rooting for someone else, but rather rooting against the disliked teams. As I've said before, I really dislike the Steelers. Even though Cowher is gone, that stupid corporate logo remains on (one side) of their helmets. And their thuggish, classless tendencies remain. So last week I found myself cheering for a team about which I am completely neutral: The Cleveland Browns. A final second, 52-yard field goal by the Browns came up short, and the Steelers once again backed into a win.

So what happens this week? Same kicker, same length, same situation, and he hits the upright, it bounces behind the crossbar, then back into the field. The officials look at each other, the Ravens start to leave the field, and I'm saying "Wow, never seen that before." The officials finally sorted it out, and imho made the right call: When the ball crossed the plane of the upgrights, it was a completed field goal, and what happened afterwards was immaterial.

Still. A hard way to lose a game. As I type this, the Redskins are up 7-0 in Dallas. So maybe my week won't be a complete loss.

Rediscovering Vinyl

2007-11-09T00:17:00.001-05:00

What to do with the old records? I hadn't owned a turntable in years. And while there is a lot of sentimental value to those old discs, when you live in a little Baltimore rowhouse, storage space is a premium. And 250+ LPs take up a precious amount of space.

So. The Girlfriend and I went through our collective discs. We tossed the dupes, and those that we had on CD. Those all went to my old friend Rick, who can never have enough music.

The rest? Well I bought a $100 USB turntable, and have been using this very cool freeware called Audacity. And I've been ripping these old discs into iTunes, reliving some of the early 80s. The Cars. ZZ Top. Stanley Jordan. Stuff that I haven't heard in years. The Audacity software is a little intimidating at first, but it's surprisingly powerful. The "click removal" effect has earned its keep on some of my scratched-up discs. If only there was a way to tell it to only record for a set amount of time... I tend to set a disc a-recording, go off and do something else, only to remember a few hours later... and Audacity has been merrily recording silence for hours...

Speaking of which, I started recording "Building the Perfect Beast" before beginning this blog entry. Gotta go.

(Ghost in the) Time Machine

2007-11-06T00:19:00.000-05:00

In August 1983 I didn't know the Synchronicity tour was to be the last by The Police. None of us did. But it was the show I was looking forward to, a chance to see the boys at the Capital Centre, this time from the vantage of a skybox. My band, DV8, had had a decent summer, and our closing song had almost always been an extended version of "So Lonely." Driving home from the Cap Centre, we were talking about their new album.

24 years later, I get to see The Police again. The Cap Centre is long gone, replaced by a shopping center. Now we're downtown at the Verizon, and from the opening chords of "Message in a Bottle," it's clear that the Police haven't spent those 24 years counting their money. Sting is still lean and lanky and the most confident man in the world. Stewart Copeland still has that intensity coupled with the suggestion that he's having the time of his life. Andy Summers has never used a facial muscle in his life, and that hasn't changed.

But man, they sounded good... better than they did in 1983, in fact. Some of the experiments with old material worked well, like the mashup of "Voices Inside My Head / When The World Is Running Down." Stewart had an elaborate percussion kit that would rise up behind his drums, complete with timpany, vibes, congos, and other gadgets. It was fun to watch him, do one verse on that setup (for example "Walking in Your Footsteps") then jump onto the drummer's throne and hit the beat perfectly with the regular kit.

Andy played a red Strat for most of the sets, and went with a more straightforward rock phrasing on a number of songs -- it's weird to hear Andy Summers play power chords, but I liked it. It transformed "De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da" into something rather fresh. Andy also had a mic in front of him, but I'm not sure why... he'd barely mouth a few syllables of a chorus, before wandering off. Yet the chorus vocals were still there. Hmm. They're looping backups. Stewart had a headset mic but never really used.

And as long as I'm picking nits, "King of Pain" was a disaster. I'm not even sure all three of them were playing the same song.

But overall... fantastic. "So Lonely" was breathtaking. "Invisible Sun" was accompanied by a photo montage of 3rd world children, not necessarily in peril, but the message seemed to be "Think about whom you bomb next. "Every Breath" was tight as one of Stewart's Tama's, and it was saved for the encore. A second encore gave us a rousing version of "Next to You," which is kind of fun when you think back and remember it was the first track on their first album...

24 years is a long time between gigs. Even by my standards.

Well I got me a gun / and she's ready for shooting

2007-11-02T23:38:00.000-04:00

(With apologies to Patrick Simmons.)

Is it ironic that the head of Blackwater is named "Eric Prince?" I mean, Prince of Blackwater? You can't write this stuff.

What's funny is that everyone assumes the name comes from some covert ops term. Nope. It references the swampy area near the North Carolina/Virginia border. I found this out from a Blackwater employee, four years ago when I was working on the television series "Spymaster." We took ten candidates down there and taught them to shoot. In the pouring rain. Then we put them into Blackwater's Hogan's Alley and had some SEALs shoot at them with wax bullets. Which, apparently, hurt like hell. So I'm told; I wouldn't know, my job was to put laser sights on their guns, greek the signs, clean up a little bit of the glass, then hang out in the props truck and fall asleep.

So yeah, I'm a civilian who's been to Blackwater, and even know the code at the front gate (I'll bet it's changed). It was kind of a dump. The waiting area has some very uncomfortable furniture, and the room is dominated by a giant stuffed black bear. One of the cardinal rules of film and tv production is that you feed your crew, and try to feed them well. Even low-budget basic-cable shows like Spymaster try to adhered to this rule, but at Blackwater we were forced to eat in their own "cafeteria." And since there were groups of ATF agents, air marshals, and civilians dressed in black sharing the facility, the crew was alloted exactly nine minutes in the chow hall. And you know what? It was more time than I needed: It was without a doubt the worst food I ever had. Even Taron, our camera tech, who would eat just about anything you put in front of him, pushed away the last few bites.

I guess I didn't expect the place to be front-page news. And I never expected this little company, which has exactly one owner, to receive almost one billion dollars worth of no-bid contracts from the federal government.

Clearly I'm in the wrong business.

Visitors

2007-09-30T22:40:00.001-04:00

There was a time, when the Orioles called 33rd Street home, and the Redskins fans were jumping on those old aluminum bleachers at the end of east Captiol Street, that out-of-town fans were rare. Both teams were good, they sold out (or came close to selling out) to a loyal home base. The thought of selling your hard-earned Redskins season tickets to a Cowboys or Eagles fan was, well, almost inconceivable.

Of course, back then, both teams were pretty good. Not always the best, but almost always respectable.

No more. Attending games at FedEx field has become depressing, especially against NFC east rivals. Giants fans are way too numerous, but not overly annoying; Eagles fans inevitably bring their city's thuggish violence with them, requiring an increased police presence. And Dallas fans... well, they love the gear. They usually can't name three players on their team, but they sure do buy lots of gear.

Unfortunately, Camden Yards, once the gem of the Major Leagues, and once the stadium that boasted the highest attendance in the major leagues, is now the home-away-from-home for visiting teams. The Red Sox fans are pretty upbeat. But the Yankees fans... well, they see to combine the worst of the Eagles with the worst of the Cowboys: Clueless and thuggish at the same time (see the two examples above). Case in point, as I sat in the bleachers of the penultimate game on Saturday night, the Yankees fans would hoot, cheer, chant, and yell... when their team was on the field. I remember when the locals would do that, to rattle the opposing pitcher. That's kinda Baseball Fan 101. Of course, what topped it off were the New York transplants behind us, who would cheer for so-and-so to "score some runs!" Again, while the Yankees were in the field.

Sigh.

You know, Mr. Angelos and Mr. Snyder, if your teams weren't such shadows of their former selves, perhaps you wouldn't have to sell so many tickets to the opposing fans. And your teams would start enjoying home-field advantage again...

(And I would be remiss to not thank The Girlfriend for being the model that out-of-town fans should emulate: Enthusiastic but polite, a good sport, and a student of the game.)

Trying to B-more

2007-08-13T19:09:00.001-04:00

The house was built in 1885. It's a narrow place, a worker's home. Exposed brick everywhere, old wood. An extensive rehab a couple years ago has left it with the interesting juxtaposition of gleaming stainless steel next to ragged brick. I like it.

The cats are adjusting to having stairs. As fat as they'd gotten, they could use the exercise. So could I.

The combined ages of the widows on either side of us is over 160. The newcomer has been here in Federal Hill for about 40 years, the other, two decades longer. They are fun, and fiesty, and have that incredibly unique Baltimore patois that I can imitate for a word or two, but no further.

There are at least 100 bars within walking distance, one of which is six doors down. The Inner Harbor is 15 minutes away (by foot), as are the Ravens and Orioles stadiums. We're still living out of boxes, and half of my stuff is in limbo, but we're thrilled.

And yes, that is the view, looking east, from the rooftop deck...

Good Advice..

2007-08-12T19:56:00.000-04:00

..from an experienced leader. If only the Bush administration had had access to this individual before committing us to a quagmire in Iraq...

Nats and (future) history

2007-08-06T01:41:00.001-04:00

So I see that the local boys, the Washington Nationals (well, for a few more days, until I move to B-more), have a 4-day road trip against the Giants. That means some poor Nats pitcher will be immortalized as the guy who gave up 756. Tim Redding, perhaps? He's scheduled to take the mound on Wednesday.

I used to be such a Bonds fan. Back in my Techmatics days, when fantasy baseball was still pre-Internet, he was my #1 pick two years in a row. Such an incredible athlete. What I find sad is that he probably had the talent to make it here without the drugs.

Baseball is hurting again. Not quite as much as in 1995, after that horrific, World-series canceling strike. But the sport is definitely stained, so much that even the president mentioned steroid use in the State of the Union. Hmm, on second thought, maybe baseball isn't in that bad a shape...

My prediction is that Bonds will retire at the end of this season, probably with 770 under his belt. I figure A-Rod will finish with about 48, giving him 512 career. That means... let's see, a delta of 258. He's 11 years younger than Bonds. I don't think he's peaked yet. So here is my bold prediction, on this day, 4 August 2007, I predict that A-Rod will break Bond's record around the all-star break in 2014. And he will finish his career in 2018 with 828.

You heard it here first...

2007-08-06T01:41:00.000-04:00

The Power of the Internet

2007-08-04T15:38:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure this is what Vint Cerf had in mind when he came up with what would become the Internet: The ability to find showtimes for movies without having to call.

Google is handy at displaying them for me, and since I generally go to the movies with The Girlfriend, I had her zip code set as the default; 22314, Alexandria VA.

Today I asked it to show me when The Simpsons Movie is playing. Here are the results (click to enlarge).

See anything strange?

No? Well let's zoom in a bit:

...I can imagine the dialog: "Well honey, if we hurry we can either catch the 7:10 at Courthouse, or, hmm, if we really hurry we can catch the 7:25 in Lincoln Nebraska... well, 7:25 tomorrow...

Wathermen = Macho

2007-08-03T17:27:00.000-04:00

More Comcast Joy

2007-07-31T22:20:00.001-04:00

My internet connection has been absurdly slow for the past couple of days. Below dial up at times. I've checked most of the things I know about on my end, so I went to Comcast's web site to see if they had any system updates. Not surprisingly, there weren't any, but their customer support page had a link with the description:

"Having trouble with connectivity, e-mail or computer performance?
Many problems can quickly be resolved using our One-Click Fixes."

Worth a shot, eh? Well, clicking on that link gets you this:

Not as helpful as I'd have liked.

I forget, who did MSN rank dead last in customer service for broadband providers? Oh yeah -- Comcast.

A Master at Baiting Phish

2007-07-24T12:32:00.001-04:00

We all get these. I doubt anyone falls for them. But this one struck my eye:

From: Bank of America
Date: Jul 24, 2007 10:35 AM
Subject: Accounts Manangement
To:

We recently have determined that different computers have logged onto your Online Banking account, and multiple password failures were present before the logons. We now need you to re-confirm your account information to us.

If this is not completed by July 26, 2007, we will be forced to suspend your account indefinitely, as it may have been used for fraudulent purposes. We thank you for your cooperation in this manner.

To confirm your Online Banking records click on the following link:

http://www.paypal-verifycation-online.com/www.bankofamerica.com/online_banking/sslencrypt218bit/online_banking/index.htm

Thank you for your patience in this matter.

Bank Of America Customer Service

Please do not reply to this e-mail as this is only a notification. Mail sent to this address cannot be answered.

2007 Bank Of America, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

The domain name is the fun part. "paypal-verifycation-online.com" is registered to some jerkoff in California, who, it would appear, doesn't know how to spell "verification."

Like they say, criminals are stupid...

Monopolies bad. Choice, good

2007-07-10T14:37:00.000-04:00

This is why I hate monopolies. Trying to sign up for service at Comcast.com. They have a decent self-service configurator. Much nicer than waiting endlessly on their phone line. I complete my order, then it pops up with a chat box. WTF? I must have hit the wrong button. I hit "close session" and I'm back to the home page. Hmm. I try to navigate back to my configuration screen, but no dice. So I go through everything again, and sure enough, the chat window pops up. Apparently Comast has devised a way to make you wait even if you don't use the phone. Amazing. After 18 minutes, "Daryl" shows up. Here is the transcript:

Philip >

Daryl > Hello guest_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Daryl. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Daryl > How are you doing today?

guest_ > fine

Daryl > Good afternoon Mark.

Daryl > Do you have an existing account with Comcast, or are you a new customer?

guest_ > existing guest_ > acct number is ************. I entered that already I believe in the sign-up process.

Daryl > Are you just moving into this address?

guest_ > yes

Daryl > One moment please. Thank you.

Daryl > Unfortunately we are unable to process your order at this time. The previous resident(s) at the address you entered has not yet disconnected their service. In order to resolve this issue, we need you to contact our customer service department at 1-888-Comcast so that proper verification of the change in residence can be recorded. Or, you can bring a copy of your lease/title to one of our in-person payment centers for verification. To find a location near you, visit our Web site at http://www.comcast.com/membership/Locate_Payment_Center.asp

Daryl > I do apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

guest_ > what??

guest_ > what previous resident?

guest_ > are you talking about the baltimore house or my current silver spring address...

Daryl > The current resident is still connected at the ******** st, zip: 21230 address.

guest_ > well that is because we haven't moved in yet! the settlement is 7/27

[note: 4 minutes go by] guest_ > and my requested install is early august.

[note: 3 minutes go by] guest_ > put your supervisor on, please

[note: 3 minutes go by] guest_ > PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON, PLEASE

[note: 2 minutes go by] Daryl > I do apologize but I will not be able to process your order as we are not authorized to have multiple accounts active at a single address. You will need to wait until the current customer has disconnected their service, our you can go to your local office to provide proof of residency. Only then will we be able to process your order.

guest_ > I NEED TO TALK TO A SUPERVISOR. NOW

Daryl > Once again, I would like to give you our sincerest apology for this inconvenience, but unfortunately, there is nothing more we can do. Since the current customer is still connected, we will not be able to process your order at this time. Please contact your local office in order to provide your proof of residency, or please feel free to call 1888COMCAST and our agents there will be able to assist you.

Daryl > I truly wish that there was more I could do regarding this unfortunate circumstance

Daryl > Once again, I would like to thank you for your interest in Comcast. It has been my pleasure meeting with you today and if you have any further issues or questions about Comcast's services, please feel free to chat with us again.

Daryl > Analyst has closed chat and left the room

Very helpful, eh? Total time spent online: 48 minutes. Results: Nothing.

Comcast has a reputation for having some of worst customer service imaginable. A recent MSN-Zogby poll ranked Comcast 3rd from last of ALL US companies.

Well, with continued efforts such as the above, they have a shot at #1.

Musings

2007-07-02T02:15:00.000-04:00

For once, not a rant about a comic strip, and not a folksy story about the latest project.

I blew it.

A couple of years ago, I was hooked on "24." As with most episodic television series, I couldn't be bothered to tune in at a certain time and a certain day, so instead I would rent the entire season on DVD. I believe I banged through four discs in one day, one day. Absurd. And even the ridiculousness of the plots, the laughable logistics, and the scenery chewing by Mr. Sutherland, none of that could keep me away.

Still, something itched behind the eyes. After a couple of weeks, I realized it was an idea, an idea for a parody. So I fired up FinalDraft and started banging out a script. A few times, I laughed out loud at my own ideas, which is either a sign of creative juices, or, well, you know.

I pitched the idea to everyone: I would write and direct, and play a small role. Eroc would be Jack (known as Zack in my script), as he is pretty intense and has-very-careful-diction all the time, so ratcheting it up Zack would not be a stretch. Ravi would be my villain, Grisella would play Nina, and Zack's daughter -- who at one point has kidnappers kidnap her from other kidnappers -- would be played by [an actress friend], who despite being only about 12 years younger than Eroc, could pull it off. One day at lunch I told her ALL the details, and she was thrilled.

Then, I let bills and working jobs and OtherStuff get in the way, and never made it.

But I guess [actress friend] liked the idea, because, well, she wound up playing a slightly different role.

No, it's not my script, and in some ways it's more clever than mine. Still. Interesting coincidence, eh?

This is what I get for a) having a decent idea b) blabbing about it c) doing nothing but blab about it. Lesson learned.

Green logic

2007-07-01T07:30:00.001-04:00

Let me see if I can follow Tinsley's "logic" here.

First, we have to assume that all things associated with the left are bad. Global warming? Junk science. Energy conservation? Whiney elitists in Priuses, er, Priae. Funny-looking CFLs? Well, they're not liberal per se, but they are popular with those concerned about energy efficiency, so they are fair game. How can I (Tinsley) slag them?

1. They're ugly? No, too vain.

2. You can't really put a lampshade on them if it has a bulb clamp? Too technical.

3. They might not be all that green, because they contain mercury? Way too technical. Besides, mercury contamination is funny.

4. They take a while to warm up and their color temperature is unusual? Color what? Huh? "You're a Plugger if you think a bulb with a warm color temperature is too hot to touch."

5. They are made in China? Whoa, that's dangerous ground. Remember, it is Bush policy to never do business with communist countries, as long as they are Cuba. China is our best trading partner, and owns more of the USA than any other country, so we have to build up our military to combat the threat that China could become after using the billions we send them every month to buy our weapons systems AGH TOO COMPLICATED, did I mention these bulbs were ugly? Or that Ted Kennedy once drove off a bridge?

No -- all too hard. I got it! I'll just make something up -- "They burn out more quickly." Yes, I know, it's a complete and total lie, but it's not like any fans of my strip a) cares about the truth b) would buy these bulbs anyway.

Catering? Some fava beans, please

2007-06-27T12:43:00.000-04:00

We're standing in the woods by the Liberty reservoir, outside of Baltimore. It's a beautiful strip of land, the water calm and clear, a perfect little finger of land from which lead actor is fishing. And the actor is Brian Cox, the original Hannibal Lechter.

It's amazing watching him work, as he's one of those old pros who can make the process look effortless. I am reminded of a indie I worked on a few years ago, with a young actor (26 or so) and an older actor (62 or so). The latter had done over 100 films. The younger actor had considerable talent, but needed to prep to get himself into the proper mood. For one bit of denouncement, the younger actor played morose tunes on his iPod for half an hour, and the crew was forbidden to speak to him at all until we shot the scene. The older actor prepared by joking around with the crew until the cameras rolled, then, like flipping a switch, he was a bellowing, red-faced, disappointed mentor. He stalks out of frame, realizing that he has done a great take, and flips the switch back, silently mouthing "yeah!" as he pumps his fists into the air. I think it really is like flipping a switch for the more experienced ones.

The film is called "Red," and while it wouldn't be much of a spoiler to talk about the scene's context, let's say the entire story was being set up from this scene. Me, I was a props specialist, technically a weapons wrangler. It was a nice cool day, hanging out in the woods next to the water, getting paid to handle firearms. What's not to like? Well, other than the massive case of poison ivy that I wound up with...

I'm a Whore

2007-06-24T02:27:00.000-04:00

Carl is looking at me with a bit of concern. "Why don't you sit down, and have some water?" We've been loading and unloading the world's smallest box truck for a couple of days now. The heat just doesn't seem to stop, and even though it's only been summer, officially, for a couple days, the humidity is debilitating.

But that part is just regular set dressing. Nothing new there. No, what's interesting (at least to me), is the project: A Q&A session, recorded on DVCAM, for Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, a candidate for governor in Louisiana.

MOM, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, STOP NOW.

A Republican candidate.

Yep, I'm doing a political ad. The rate is good. The work isn't that tough. We do a nice job. It will look nice. And it's always nice to work with Carl. But we're working on a GOP spot.

Then again, those who know me shouldn't be that surprised: I consider myself a professional. I won't do something illegal -- no snuff films or kiddie porn, thank you very much -- and if I don't like the project I probably won't discount my rate (I've turned down indies that had what I considered to be sub-par scripts), but if it's a legal gig and the rate is good, I will pitch in and do my best.

Plus, no one ever votes for someone because of the quality of his ad videos, right?
Right??

Upon further review

2007-06-17T22:28:00.000-04:00

Ok, my Sopranos summary was off-base. This fellow has convinced me otherwise. Tony's dead. David Chase doesn't do things by accident.

In my own defense, I only watched it once, I didn't tivo it. But it's hard to argue with his analysis.

Arrivederci, Tony

2007-06-10T22:04:00.000-04:00

So we all wondered what would happen to Tony Soprano. Would we go into witness protection? Would he die in a blaze of glory? Would he take out Phil, and become head of southern New York too?

Nah. Tony did what he always did. He used luck, more luck, and a little brains to work things out in his favor.

The ending? I'm ok with it. You can't really wrap up all those disparate stories in an hour. We get a glimpse of Tony's life from now on -- looking up every time the door opens, noticing strangers, wondering why those two fellows decided to pop into the diner at just that time. And worrying about his family. This is Tony's life. And it might end in a few seconds, next week, next year, or he could wind up like Uncle Junior, alone and confused and so decidely old.

Hitchcock used to say that a bomb going off in a scene was pointless, but watching two characters sit at a table, idly chatting away over lunch, while we the audience have seen a sneaky character put a shopping bag under that same table, that's suspense. Excruciating suspense. The Sopranos finale gave us a taste of that. As Journey bellowed "Don't Stop Believing," we waited. My heart pounded. I ran all kinds of scenarios; why was Meadow being delayed? Who was that guy at the counter? Who were those black guys?

We'll never know.

Bravo.

Steve and Anne and pea gravel

2007-05-27T14:07:00.000-04:00

It's unfortunate that films are generally shot according to the available light. At least here in DC, where, frankly, the only reason a Hollywood studio comes here is to get those iconic shots of the monuments. That means shooting in the summer, competing with the tourons, and when DC is at its muggiest. The good news was when "Get Smart" came to town, and I wound up as on-set dresser, there really wasn't much to do. Still, a man can work up a sweat standing around.

Yeah. "Get Smart." I guess every other 1960's sitcom had already been optioned, so this was the last one left. Heaven forbid we should ever try a new idea. I didn't write it, I just moved the street signs...

I've always found Anne Hathaway adorable. "Devil Wears Prada" was a marvelous film. But in person, she looks a bit strange: Her eyes are too big, her mouth is about double the side of a regular person. Steve Carrell's nose is on the same scale as Anne's mouth. But on film, they look great. Weird. Steve was polite, a good sport, and a hard worker. Anne was wonderful; after her scene on East Capitol Street was wrapped, she waited around and signed autographs and posed for photos with the little girls from the neighborhood. Only after all were accommodated did she head out. Classy.

One final note: The most amazing view of the US Capitol can be had from the roof of the Hubert Humphrey building. But it's not easy to get there: A phalanx of security guards, two elevators, two flights of stairs, and a creaky roof covered with pea gravel, and no railings on the side. Still. It was worth it.

A joke by any other name

2007-05-26T14:22:00.000-04:00

At first I started to write "Wow, Mallard actually made me laugh." Then I started thinking about the joke. I've read that some of the elements of humor are familiarity coupled with an unexpected turn. That is, a joke about an obscure 19th century supreme court judge generally won't work with most audiences, as there is no common background. So why does Mallard's joke "work?"

Simple: We expect him to be a racist. He's demonstrated disdain for just about every group that isn't White, Christian, and ultra-conservative. So we read this strip, and think "Wow, he's really about to pull a Mel Gibson here," only to have the punchline deviate us from our expected destination. Hence, humor. But would this joke work in Doonesbury? For Better or For Worse? Or, for that matter, just about any other comic strip? I don't think so. We laugh because we wouldn't be surprised if Bruce Tinsley started up on Jews.

Not really an enviable position, is it?

FREESPCH

2007-05-18T01:29:00.000-04:00

From the May 3, 2006, Rapid City Journal:

State looks to pull anti-Bush license plate

By Kevin Woster, Journal staff

RAPID CITY -- Heather Moriah loves the personalized license plates on her silver Prius encouraging the impeachment of President George W. Bush.

But somebody doesn’t agree. And that somebody complained to the state. Now, the South Dakota Division of Motor Vehicles is trying to recall the plates -- which read MPEACHW. And if Moriah doesn’t turn them in voluntarily, the state might send law-enforcement officers to pick them up.

Even so, she’s not immediately inclined to cooperate.

“I don’t think I’m going to play,” Moriah said Thursday afternoon. “The plate isn’t in poor taste. It‘s not sexual in nature or pornographic. To me, a political message should not be considered offensive.”

But Division of Motor Vehicles director Deb Hillmer said Thursday that the law clearly gives the state authority to recall the plates and have them forcibly removed if necessary. And although only one person complained about Moriah’s political statement, that’s all it takes to recall a set of vanity plates, Hillmer said.

Continues here

I am reminded of a story at least 20 years ago where some fellow had "SMEGMA" on his Virginia vanity plate. It, too, slipped through the cracks, and someone complained, and the State Police showed up to collect it. Now why anyone would want to put that on a Porsche is beyond me, but I didn't really see the harm -- it certainly wasn't political. I guess.

But man, Virginia sure allows some other strange choices. They might not be political, but some stray into offensive.. or at least disturbing.

For instance:

I mean, really!

Mozart's Howitzer

2007-05-17T00:54:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I knew about "Basket Case." It was the early 90s, and I'd just started playing around with the guitar again after a number of years. I discovered the (old) WHFS, 99.1, and was suddenly exposed to this cool "alternative" music. So one day I'm working out the Green Day song on an acoustic, and the ex strolls by and says "cool, you leared 'Pachelbel's Canon."

"Huh?"

She rolled her eyes. "The GE Light Bulb Commercial Song."

"Oh!" And I realized it was in fact the same progression. And pretty much the same as The Police's "So Lonely," which my trecool 3-piece neopunk bad had played a decade earlier. A year or so later I noticed that Blues Traveller's "The Hook" was not the same progression. But man, this guy is amazing! Stick with the video until the last minute, or at least fast-forward to it. It's worth it.

Headline Writing is an ART

2007-05-16T03:42:00.000-04:00

Sent to me by The Girlfriend.

Sounds yummy!

The Root of the matter

2007-05-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

Mallard's right. We should never vote for someone who has a strange hairstyle, or, for that matter, someone who cares excessively about his hair; that's a clear indication of being too vain to be president.

Oops.

Professional Courtesy

2007-05-13T16:10:00.000-04:00

The sun's been baking my pale Irish skin all day. Polo is fun to watch, but the half time at the America's Cup of Polo ran about three hours. Enough, already.

I'd been hired by an upscale Tequila company to shoot the event. They're one of the sponsors, and are about to award their branded trophy to the winning team. I'm bumping elbows with about a dozen other photographers, getting ready for my shot, when I notice the LCD panel on my flash is blank. "Uh oh." I try to power it up. Nothing. I open the battery door, and try that trick where you shuffle the AAs around a bit. It powers up... for a few seconds. I have backups (of course) but they're in my camera bag, which is about a quarter mile away at the tequila tent.

I see that another photographer has just replaced his batteries (he even has the same flash), and left the dead ones on his bag. "Are those your dead ones?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"I'm in a pinch here, can I try them?"

"Help yourself." He returns to firing off shots of the current sponsor award, Cartier. His batteries are hot... but they're not dead. I'm back in business. The other guy says "Hey I've got four fresh ones here you're welcome to," and starts digging into his pack.

"No time," I say, as my sponsors are walking onto the stage.

The batteries hold. I get my shots. I thank the guy as I leave the stage. He's a bit older than me, lean, weathered, he's obviously been at this a while. "No problem, that's how it's supposed to be. We help each other, man."

A while later I'm back at the tent, waiting for Journey (see above) to come on. I've replaced all of batteries from my kit, and happen to see the other photographer walk by my tent. I dash back, grab an unopened package of 4 lithiums, and run behind him. "Hey! Photographer!" He turns. I toss the package to him. Grin. "Thanks again, dude." He smiles, waves, walks off.

That's how it's supposed to be.

"Next I will quote some rap lyrics!"

2007-05-06T01:28:00.000-04:00

So let me see if I can figure out Tinsley's "logic" here: Since a black person once said something racist, he (Tinsley) is allowed to make racist comments and/or ignore any racist comments made by other whites. Hmm. Perhaps Tinsley needs to look up the word "syllogism" (well, after he sobers up, of course).

A fellow blogger recently covered Tinsley's appalling lack of both taste and talent, far more eloquently than I ever could.

Customer "service?"

2007-05-02T12:03:00.000-04:00

I have a home phone, but only about five people know the number. Almost everyone calls me on my mobile, the number of which has remained the same for almost ten years. Yet I get many calls on the home number, usually collection calls for a "Juan Vidron." Sometimes I get 20 a day. All are automated, and it's not easy to get them to stop calling me. Today I decided to hell with it, just cancel the damned thing and save $50 a month.

Being the e-whiz that I am (or was), first I tried canceling via Verizon's website. It tells me I have to register. No problem. I fill out all of the information, only to be told that it can't validate my "12-digit" account number. I try a couple variations, because the account number on the bill has 15 digits. No luck. Oh well, I'm canceling anyway, so after navigating about a dozen screens I find the customer service number. It's an automated voice recognition system.

"Are you calling about 301-xxx-xxxx?" It asks.

"Yes," I reply.

"I'll pull up your records. Ok, how can I help you?"

"Cancel"

"Just ask a question."

"Cancel my account."

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that."

And so on. Eventually the thing recognizes what I'm trying to say, then quizzes me about details. After a few minutes of this, I apparently pass the test, because it says it'll connect me to a human. Ten rings. Then the same voice pops up. "Sorry, but due to caller volume your call cannot be answered. Please try us on the web at www.verizon.com. Good bye."

WTF?

I try it again. Same drill. Same result, no human, no way to leave a message, same encouraging words about the useless web site.

So now I've tried to email them. Will it work? My hopes are not high.

I am reminded of more than a few online services that do not have a way to cancel online. The most notorious is of course AOL; "on-line" is part of their name, and you can conduct just about any transaction with them online... except cancel your service. I'm not the first to notice this bit of irony. MSNBC reported on it last year. In my case, I gave up and just had my credit card provider change the number. Should work great, right?

Wrong. AOL waited three months, then sent my three months of bills to a collection agency. So Verizon isn't quite as bad as AOL, but I'll be they're working on it...

MSNBC's interview with a blogger who was smart enough to record his conversation with an AOL employee:

The original unedited version of the recording:

Book of Not-so Secrets

2007-05-02T02:55:00.000-04:00

It was fun reading the imdb.com discussions about "National Treasure: Book of Secrets." All kinds of rumors would pop up, some founded, others not so much. For instance there was talk of "shooting at the Smithsonian." Well, sort of: We used the Masonic Lodge in Alexandria to double as an unnamed Smithsonian building; I feel sorry for anyone who camped out on the Mall waiting for Nick Cage to show up.

It was delicious knowing the cast changes before they were public; when Helen Mirren was signed on, I saw her name on a callsheet a week before the info hit the web. But of course, it's no fun when you can't tell anyone!

Lots of fun locations: My third project at the Library of Congress. A stunningly beautiful Mount Vernon (and my third project there). Chevy Chase, University of Maryland, The White House, The Capitol, a mini-tour of the DC area. It was a great crew, the All-Stars of Baltimore, and even the LA guys were a hoot to work with. Six weeks straight, and one back injury later, I was ready for the wrap. Our giant warehouse in Landmark, once filled with all of the set dressing, the carpenter's shop, the paint shop, and the clutter from the effects guys... it was strange to see it all gone, packed away onto 18-wheelers destined for South Dakota or LA. A big empty, echoing room. I was the last one out. I remembered an old Don Henley line, "I need to remember this." Look around one more time.

Then pulled the door shut behind me.

"NT2" is scheduled to open Dec 21.

Next for me? Directing six commercials for an insurance company in Delaware, directing an emergency response training video for a local government, shooting some stills, shooting and editing for a small production company in DC. Should be a busy summer (I hope).

Their survivors braved the cold

2007-04-25T21:29:00.000-04:00

I'm standing on a wooden platform. The guy from CNN is behind me, and he's pissed, as I have the best angle. Well, he should have shown up sooner. It's April 16, the wind is gusting to 40MPH, blowing the light rain directly into the lens of my 2-day-old XL2. The audio guy can't seem to find his level, and the signal coming out of the multbox is hot, and I have to ride the pots constantly. It's maybe 40 degrees. I'm wearing a light jacket, and shivering so hard I have to turn the image stablilization on...

But on the stage is the always reliable Jan Scruggs, and it's the ninth annual Vietnam Veterans In Memory Day ceremony. Family and friends of men and women lost to the war, but whose names are not on The Wall, read their names out loud, sometimes with a short message. Agent Orange seems to be the number one killer of these soldiers. It's moving. It's touching. I deliver the tape to the editor up on K street and head back to the set of movie I'm working on. On the way there WTOP starts reporting on the Va Tech shooting, and I realize the CNN guy got pissed for nothing... neither his footage nor mine is going to air tonight.

http://www.vvmf.org

...where credit is due

2007-04-23T15:24:00.000-04:00

Just saw "The Hoax" at Shrilington. Surprisingly good. I don't know how much re-shooting was done after the film was abruptly pulled from its Fall 2006 release, but whatever it was, it was effective: The movie works on several levels, and is a perfect vehicle for Gere's roguish charm.

Credits in movies are a strange thing. Unless you're a department head or a first hire, you never know if you're going to wind up with your name on the screen. Case in point was Syriana, where about a half dozen of us worked for several weeks as set dressers, but only three people were credited. In the case of "The Hoax," I worked a total of three days -- one to scout, two to shoot -- and wound up with a screen credit in the DC Unit section. Fact was, neither Gere nor Molina came to DC, and stand-ins were shot from behind as they drove the 220 Benz on Virginia 110, and walked up the steps of the library. But I did get to drive (briefly) the Benz, and jump-started it more than once. The DP didn't like the height of our camera truck, so we used my beat-up old Dodge Dakota. That was interesting: driving gingerly, the director in the cab with me, five guys crammed into the bed, while the Arlington police kept traffic back and out of the shot, as we rolled up and down 110. For this I get a screen credit. Go figure.

It does not appear that "The Hoax" is playing in many theaters, at least not in the DC area. But Molina's performance is exactly the sort of quirky-but-sympathetic role that Oscar loves for supporting actor.

Nicely shot

2007-04-03T21:52:00.000-04:00

I do love it when a film comes out, and it's ok to talk about it... just saw Antoine Fuqua's "Shooter," and while I found the ending a bit disappointing, it's a decent popcorn film. My involvement was tiny: Wrangling picture cars, in DC and Baltimore. The DC scenes were in Freedom Plaza on E street, a day shot where Wahlberg is scoping (and being scoped), plus a night shot in the pouring rain on the Mall. In Baltimore, we had The Windiest Day Ever atop Federal Hill Park, followed by a quick shot of Wahlberg hopping into a cab (one I helped hire out, btw. Ah the glamor of film!) Finally we did the scene where the injured Bobby rolls his POS pickup into the gas station. That place actually required very little dressing; it really IS a used tire store, and it really DOES look like that. It was the champagne scene, too: Principal photography wrapped that night, someone handed Wahlberg a beer, and everyone stood around for a while. I'd been resetting the truck for him all night, so he'd seen me around, and we shook hands. "I'm Mark," he said. Which almost made me laugh; "No shit," was the first phrase that came to mind. But he was a nice fellow, and had some photos taken with the locals.

Now comes the weird part. The first day in DC, I saw this fellow hanging around, a little guy, mid-20s. He had about a dozen bullet holes on his face, courtesy of a very good makeup artist. I assumed he was an actor awaiting his scene, but he never went in front of the camera. In Baltimore, this same guy had his face painted ghostly white, with red crosshairs bifrucating his face. This of course drew a fair number of stares, which the fellow didn't seem to like. Finally a bystander asked him what was the deal with makeup. In a strange voice he replied, "I'm the shooter." Finally I heard from a PA that this guy was part of Wahlberg's entourage. Whatever.

Oh, and as for the photo above, I wasn't part of the set dressers who, as a friend recently pointed out, hung the flag backwards.. the blue field should be on the left.

Hey, but the car looks nice...

Yikes

2007-03-10T14:47:00.000-05:00

The bike messengers in DC are pretty fearless. I've come close to nailing a couple over the years, and watched from my office window a decade ago when one ran smack into the side of a taxi.

But the NYC cyclists are truly insane. Check this out... (warning: Adult lyrics)

Holy war

2007-03-09T23:30:00.000-05:00

We're not sure, but most of my college buddies seemed to agree that I was the first person at Mary Washington to have a computer in his room. Not a terminal -- lots of folks had those -- but a fully operational computer. It was a Commoder VIC-20, with a cassette tape drive and an old TV for a monitor. The display was 22 characters wide and I think it had about 3,500 bytes of memory. Not megs. Not kilobytes. Bytes.

Not long after, my Dad got a Commodore 64, which orders of magnitude more powerful. But Commodore was an evolutionary dead end, and even before I graduated I could tell that the MS-DOS world was going to be king.

My first personal computer was bought an XT Turbo clone by a local company called Win Labs. 7 MHz processor. Woohoo.

Bought an AT clone a few years later, 486DX/50. Actually I still have it, down in the garage.

Next was a Gateway Pentium, about 400 MHz.

Another Gateway was purchased a few years ago, 1.6GHz.

A Toshiba laptop came onto the scene in 2003. A year later, a very fast, very heavy, and incredibly hot Compaq laptop was added to the fold. That marked 19 years of Intel/Microsoft machines.

Until last year.

The first Mac was a dual 2.7GHz G5. I use it as an editing platform; I'd been running Avid on the Gateway, but wanted to move into Final Cut Pro. Apple has not yet ported FCP to Windows (and probably never will). The machine is amazing. It's even a joy to look at, with a case that looks like it was sculpted out of a solid chunk of aluminum. So a few months ago, when I needed a new laptop, not for video editing but for general purpose work... email, web, writing screenplays, writing my blog... I bought a MacBook.

Apple has done an amazing job of branding, at every step of the process. From their stores, to their web site, to their industrial design, even their tv ads, there is a clean, uncluttered, sensible look. Nothing is left to chance. Consider my old Compaq: A decent-looking case, packed to the gills with processing power and a nice graphics card. But it sounds like a diesel engine. The power supply is an enormous, big black ugly device; Apple, in contrast, recognized that the brick for a laptop is something people deal with every day. It's an odd little white cube, with feet that fold out. The feet allow you to wrap the cord around the brick. And at the end of the cord? A little plastic tab that hooks onto the wire. No clutter. My Compaq has a short in the power connection port. Unless it's held perfectly straight, the power plug will slip out. The apple plug is magnetic. It grabs onto the side of the computer and holds snugly, but if you accidentally trip over the wire, it pulls harmlessly out.

There are so many little design touches. Heck last week I discovered that it has an accelerometer built in, and if it detects that it is falling, it automatically parks the heads on the hard drive to help prevent damage. Incredible.

I am reminded of a Saab I owned a few years ago, a 1996 900S. The last of the truly Swedish Saabs, designed before GM ruined the company. Every detail of the car was thought out. The shape of the buttons on the dash. The typeface used on the gauges. The exterior door handles were made of a non-conductive material, so when you touched the car on a cold day, you didn't get an electric static shock. Ever wonder why Saabs have the ignition switch on the center console? It's not just to be weird, it's because studies show that drivers suffer injuries to their right knees from hitting the key in a crash. So. Put it in the middle, out of the range of a flailing body. Sensible.

Of course, the analogy is similar in many ways: Saab sold something like 25,000 units in the US back in the 90s. That's about two weeks worth of Ford F-150 sales in the US. Likewise, Apple remains a tiny niche market. Sure, the company is doing well, but that is largely because of iPod and iTunes.

Is there a market for good design? Will consumers pay a little more for it? Or does the price at the BestBuy trump everything...

Details, details

2007-02-23T02:26:00.000-05:00

Either Tinsley's hitting the bottle again, or he's too stupid to realize that Dennis Hopper is a Republican.

Really? Tinsley is the best these guys can do?

Peace and love? Pah!

2007-02-22T13:09:00.000-05:00

Jonny Hart shows his true colors:

I get it: The New Testament has all that stuff about "judging not" (Matthew and Luke, specifically). The New Testament has all that stuff about Christ's love. The Old Testament? Full of hatred. That's why it's Jonny's favorite.

He's referring, of course, to people who wear clothing of more than one fabric: "Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together." (Deuteronomy 22:11) No doubt Mr. Hart would support a Constitutional amendment that would prevent the mixing of wool and linen.

What'd they say?

2007-01-29T11:40:00.000-05:00

Years ago, a co-worker brought in one of those funnybooks about mistaken song lyrics. You've seen them. The co-worker laughed at one of them, a B-52's tune. "'Whoa, Nipsey Russell?'" he said, "Who the hell would come up with that." I replied, "That's not what they're saying?"

Well one song has bedeviled me (so to speak) for some time now: Blue Oyster Cult's "Burnin for You." This is a tune my old band actually worked on for a while, so it was semi-important to get the lyrics right. The first verse he ends with "I'm living for giving the devil his due," which is pretty straightforward, especially if you accept the double entendre of the title. Second time around it sounded to me like "I'm fall frezhun and frags do glock foo," which might not quite be 100% accurate.

Now, with the internet, it should be easy -- right?

A bunch of returns come up with "I've seen signs of what (freezing their eyes) went through"
...which makes about as much sense as my own 1982 interpretation.

Then I found this one: lyricsfreak.com says "Ive [sic] seen suns that were freezing and lives that were through"

And, singing along, it actually a) fits b) makes a little bit of sense.

Anybody have another theory about this 25-year-old mystery?

(I also note that a LOT of the lyrics sites miss the joke earlier in the verse; It's not "time to play besides," which makes no sense at all, but "Time to play B-sides."As in, the flip side of a popular 45 RPM single. Jeez. Kids today...)

I miss LP's

2006-12-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

The first album I ever owned was "Wings Over America." It was Christmas 1976, and we were spending the holidays in Florida. Fortunately for me (since we didn't have a turntable in our hotel room) the album was huge, with oodles of artwork to look at. Imagine my disappointment as I started my album collection, in finding out that not all of them had three fold-out pages.

For those of you under 30 or so, you've probably never unwrapped an LP. Instead, you started out by wrestling with the cellophane on a CD, and now just buy them digitally. I do too -- I'm listening to my new "One X" CD from Three Days Grace as I write this, having just added the CD to iTunes. Most of my new music today comes from iTunes. It's so bloody convenient.

But it's not the same.

The LP came wrapped in shrink wrap, but not the hard cellophane that encases CDs. Instead, it was a softer, plasticy-feeling sort of thing, that you could cut with a thumbnail. Maybe the softer wrapping was akin to the fragile vinyl disc instead, while today's CD's are tough polycarbonate, encased in hard plastic.

You bought the album at store, like Harmony Hut (it was a mall-based music store in the 70's. It's long gone. Even Wikipedia's never heard of it). In my case, being a country boy, it was a long ride back home before you could play it -- we didn't even have a cassette deck in a car until I was 18, and I only knew one person with a turntable in his car, and he was insane. So instead you'd fiddle with the album while Mom drove back, hoping for liner notes or something cool inside. And the smell... the smell of new vinyl was like magic. Echoes of a musical world that existed somewhere Out There, but now you owned a little of it.

The covers were huge, about a square foot. All kinds of real estate for artwork. Some were bifolds, giving you four feet of canvas, plus the sleeves. Not everyone put effort into the album packaging, but a lot of them did. Boston's "Don't Look Back" seemed so lush and colorful, the perfect match for its dreadfully overproduced sound.

Album etiquette was big. You wouldn't lend your discs to anyone. To a wannabee audiophile like myself, how you stored your albums told me if I should lend them out; people who had five feet of them in a row, the ones on the end leaning on a cinder block, were off the map. Those of us who used an anti-static disc brush on a crackling new album, and who agonized over the counterbalance of our tonearms, we knew better.

CD's were such a revolution. I bought hundreds over the past twenty years, my first being a Beatles CD that I won on a radio show (The Harris Challenge on WCXR 105.9; the question was "What county was Georgetown originally part of?") But even with my then-young eyes, it was very hard to read the tiny type inside. Manufacturers quickly started printing little booklets that fit inside the jewel case, but it still wasn't the same. And is anything uglier than a cracked jewel case? I don't know why it's so bothersome...

But the intangibility of an online purchase is somewhat unsatisfying. I recently purchased a Green Day tune. Clicked "download" and Apple took 99 cents from Visa, and we were done. If my Mac ever crashes I'm not sure what happens to my purchase. I guess I wanted a nice 12" chunk of cardboard to magically come out of the screen...

I still have my 250 or so 12" LP's, even though I don't even own a turntable anymore. Five of my favorites are housed in black picture frames, hanging in my living room. So maybe it was the album art that was the most appealing aspect after all...

Lazy sod

2006-12-13T23:45:00.000-05:00

One of the fun parts about satellite radio is scanning the channels. Some of the stuff I didn't even know was there; besides Squizz and Fred, I rarely wander elsewhere. So I'm checking out conservative talk radio last week, listening to Larry Elder. He says he's got a story about Hollywood polluting LA. Being a film professional, I decide to listen. In short, he introduced the story, quoting verbatim from the text of an NPR report. His only original comments were "hmm!" and "where have I heard this before." No problem so far. Then he procedeed to play the NPR story in its entirety, all 20 minutes or so of it. Again, all of his commentary was pretty useless, consisting of "hmm!" in a faux surprised tone, "really," and "Bob's not happy." I don't think anything consisted of more than five words. I figured at the end, having spent almost half an hour simply replaying someone else's production, he'd have a wrap up. Nope. Before going to commercial, he gave us his synopsis: "Unbelievable." And that was that.

Thing is, he's right: Film productions are ridiculously wasteful. Time being the most expensive commodity in the business, productions do whatever they can to ensure that high-priced actors never have to wait for anything. Food is cooked constantly, generators run all the time, and a slew of production professionals are standing by to supply greens, sets, props, wardrobe or makeup at a moment's notice. The generators really are big towed diesel rigs, which makes sense if you're shooting "Last of the Mohicans" in the mountains of North Carolina, but seems less obvious in downtown DC (the reason is that most of the lights run three-phase power; it eliminates the flicker that can occur if a 60Hz light is captured by a 24fps camera). We should be greener about that aspect.

We also generate a mountain of trash and waste. Most interiors that you see on films are specifically-build sets. When we're done, we fill a dumpster with the stuff. It's cheaper than keeping it for the next project. I could go on and on.

That said, perhaps Larry could have had someone from the film business comment on the study, or (gasp) even done a bit of research himself. Instead, by adding nothing more constructive than "hmm!" for half an hour, he earned a paycheck.

Nice work if you can get it, I suppose...

Did someone say, "irony?"

2006-12-12T21:49:00.000-05:00

From an old Mallard Fillmore:

by "noted" "cartoonist" Bruce Tinsley. Tinsley loves Ted Kennedy, and has no problem referring to Dubya's desertion from the National Guard as "old news," whilst reminiscing monthly about Ted's mishap in 1969 (a few years before Bush went AWOL, if I'm not mistaken). But, no matter: Tinsley just received his second alcohol-related arrest in four months, this time for driving with a BAC of 0.14.

Irony? Yes. Drunk driver Bruce Tinsley feels qualified to judge other people. Lots of other people.

Bruce's (latest) mug shot, complete with some random-selected strips (courtesty of Cthulhu Is My Copilot):

(Nice-looking fellow, isn't he?)

This is why we hate you, Danny

2006-12-06T17:55:00.000-05:00

I've been a Redskins season ticketholder for about 11 years. I've seen the team go from the perennial playoff contender it was in the glory days, to the absolute joke of a team that it is today. I've seen the team go from a personality-rich little gem of a stadium, where the opposition hated to play, to the soulless concrete doughnut that is FedEx field. I've seen the owner go from the spirited but liberal spending Jack Kent Cooke, to the whiny little micromanager that is Dan Snyder.

This week, the Redskins sent me an online survey. "Hey," I thought, "maybe they're trying." I see that you can rank various aspects of the event and staff from a scale of 1-5. Except, of course, the item "Event staff were courteous and efficient." There you can only rank them from a scale of 2-5. I guess telling the event staff that they are not courteous nor efficient is unacceptable. Now Snyder can tally the results and say "See? My staff isn't the worst in the league -- the fans say so!"

I should also note that nowhere is the fan allowed to indicate his or her feelings about the price of the event, from tickets (which went up 21% this year), to food and beverages (it's now $7 for a decent beer) to merchandise (ever wonder why there is so much bootleg NFL gear? Because $32 for a $2.50 tee-shirt is more markup than most fans want to pay) to parking ($25 a car to park almost two miles from the stadium. And if you try to walk? Armed thugs will prevent you from walking onto the stadium grounds).

My understanding is that Snyder likes to be called "Mr. Snyder," something about his small stature. Well Danny Boy, you've outdone yourself this time. I SHOULD rank you dead last for every category, but unlike you, I have some integrity... thanks for the opportunity to sound off about how you've ruined a once-proud franchise.

"Ben" There.

2006-11-18T13:04:00.000-05:00

Zippy documents yet another local landmark, this time Ben's Chili Bowl up on U Street. When the Don Cheadle film "Talk to Me" was in town this summer, we shot a scene up here. Not a lot of set dressing, so I was basically hanging around, when the prop girl came up in a panic, and asked if we had any cassette tapes. It's been a while since I had a cassette player in a car, but I asked her why she needed one. Turned out the prop cars were all vintage 60s, and none of them had CD players, and she needed to have some kind of music playing so all the extras could bob to the same beat. I ran down to a local music store, where the clerk laughed at me when I asked for tapes. Then he pondered for a moment, "Wait a sec," and reached under the counter, bringing out a bag of ten dusty tapes. "These are my old DJ loops. Help yourself." I ran back to Ben's. Saving the day. Yes. I have a glamorous film life.

We finished the shot and moved on. Now, one of these days, I actually need to get a chili Dog from Ben's.

Shooter? I hardly Know 'er!

2006-10-09T19:12:00.000-04:00

Picture Cars -- now this is fun. You get to wrangle all the cars that show up in the scene. We're down by Freedom Plaza near the Reagan building, and I'm bringing in police cars, limos, Town Cars, even a taxi cab or two. Mostly, we stand around. The film is called "Shooter," and director Antoine Fuqua doesn't rush his shots. He keeps going until he gets exactly what he wants, and since he's one of the best directors out there, what he wants is clear as a bell. On Day 2, we're waiting around in the limo, while the rest of the crew stands around in the pouring rain. Day three is in Baltimore, and the winds off of the park in Federal Hill will about blow you over. The last shot is Mark Wahlberg, his character badly wounded, driving his pickup truck into a run-down gas station. Everyone's tired but happy.

As we're all saying our goodbyes, I get a chance to shake hands with Mr. Fuqua himself. "Good work, fella." He says.
"Thank you. After that Nike commercial last fall, I wasn't sure you'd ever come back to Baltimore." Usually pretty stoic, he cracks up laughing, "Man," he says, "When they told me Baltimore, I was like 'Oh no..'"

"But it's all good now, right?" I ask.

"Yes. It's all good." And he claps me on the shoulder, and it's time to head home.

The photo? That's Carl, aka "King Carl," blatantly posing in front of Antoine, who turned his head a half second before I got the shot. Oh well -- guess I'm not a shooter...

So that's her name

2006-09-25T22:52:00.000-04:00

I kept seeing the Chevrolet commercials, in which a familiar-looking pixie with a slightly annoying voice would tell me perhaps I should be buying bottom-of-the-barrel vehicles from the worst carmaker in America, Chevrolet. "Who the heck is she?" Google searches for "slightly butch Chevy spokeswoman" came up empty. But watching MNF tonight, I finally get her name -- Suzy Kolber.

Now I know she doesn't write the copy for those Chevy ads; she reads what they give her. Still. Comparing an entry-level SUV to Lexus, and saying the Chevy has more rear seat room, but costs $30,000 less? What is this, Saturday Night Live? "The Yaris has higher tire pressure than the Bentley Azure, but costs $225,000 less!" Maybe it's the enthusiasm in her voice; yeah, that's why they hired her, but with the crap they give her to read, it becomes a parody of itself.

That said, my Honda Element is almost twice as tall as a Lamborghini Murcielago convertible, but costs $300,000 less! (Which would YOU rather have -- a Lambo or SIXTEEN Elements? That's Hydrogen to Sulfur, folks...)

I Treasure These Moments

2006-09-16T12:47:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm delinquent.

"Treasure Hunters" ended nicely. Glad to see the nerds Geniuses win the cash. Bittersweet that they shot the live finale in DC, at the National Building Museum; on the one, hand, that museum is one of my favorite off-the-beaten path Washington exhibits. On the negative side, they didn't call me to work on the finale. Hmph.

My basic-cable associate producer gig continues to go well. We're halfway through the season, although nothing will air until late this fall. The actors have all been fantastic, very professional, very easy to work with. Not a Sean Penn among them, thank heavens...

More to follow.

Be vewy qwiet, I'm hunting tweasure

2006-08-14T23:10:00.001-04:00

Finally, I can talk about it: Last fall, NBC came to town, and we shot the DC portion of "Treasure Hunters." It aired tonight, and it looked nice. Now, I don't know what kind of time compression they did, but the Southie Boys were blundering around the Library of Congress for hours. I remember sitting in the room just past the printing press, waiting for those fellows to finally find their clue, so we could go home. I wasn't sure where they went afterwards -- turns out if was Baltimore. What I didn't know was they were visiting the Vane Brothers grain elevator on the harbor. No, it doesn't say Key Industries on the top, and to my knowledge there is no hidden chamber at the bottom.

But I'm getting ahead of myself -- three years ago, another reality game show shot at the same location: Spymaster. We had about 1/100th the budget of Treasure Hunters, and the winner didn't get millions -- she got, as I recall, nothing. But the location... man, it was the scariest building I've ever seen. I threw away every stitch of clothing I used while working there. God knows what kinds of toxic chemicals I was breathing, and the smell of rats and their, um, shall we say byproducts was everywhere. To this day some of my tools have a whiff of Baltimore, and until the day I sold it, my pickup had a slight whiff. Probably took five years off my life working there.

The warehouse is this ancient hulk, visible from 95, a massive black building that's been abandoned for at least 30 years. Inside, it's... creepy. There's no other word for it. Ancient, rusty, scary looking machines sit in the corners, the sounds of bats and rats scurrying and squeaking from the upper floors, crumbling concrete, and the knowledge that if I believed in such things, the ghosts of the deceased workers wandering up and down the rusting spiral staircases. I doubt you've seen Spymaster -- nobody did. But you've probably seen Ladder 49. The scenes of the burning building where poor Joaquin Phoenix met is fate was the same location.

Small world, eh?

I would like to thank the academy

2006-08-09T15:16:00.000-04:00

Sunday, August 13, 8PM ET, The History Channel. "Countdown to Ground Zero." No, it's not a tie-in to Oliver Stone's film. The budget for this documentary would have covered about 90 minutes of shooting for Mr. Stone. But it includes interviews with real people, and sometimes that's even more compelling than Nick Cage looking grim.

And if you look closely at the guy sitting across from John O'Neil in Elaine's, with the blue shirt and the glasses, you'll get a preview of this year's Emmy awards.

Actually what you'll see is a very sick, uncomfortable art director who happened to bear a passing resemblance to the actual person he's playing.

Then again, not every reviewer seemed to think so:
"Countdown is the better of the two, though that won't be immediately apparent because the broadcast relies on the always tricky, occasionally dubious and often laughable technique of re-creations. Why dubious? Because (really) who can ever know for certain whether a re-created scene is a good approximation or a complete bastardization? And laughable because the acting in these scenes is hardly Emmy-caliber (nor is it ever)."

-Verine Gay, Newsday

Sweat, sweat and tears.

2006-07-31T18:45:00.000-04:00

Getting onto a major film is always a hoot, especially after doing five weeks of basic cable tv. When it's a Don Cheadle movie, so much the better. (The Washington Post talks a bit about the film, and our locations)

It's a mad, mad day: Five setups in one day, two units shooting pretty much simultaneously, as the producers scurry to bang out all the DC shots in a 24-hour period, and then get back to nice, cool, (cheap) Canada to finish the film. Still. "Talk to Me" looks like it has potential.

But oh but it's hot. I'm sweating buckets at 7AM. Our first setup is in Southwest DC, in front of a church and then in a public housing block. We're making everything look like 1968. Take a loot at your backyard, and think about how many items you have that weren't around back then. Multiply the task if you have kids -- toys are completely different now. So we have to move ALL of the stuff from the back yards, and dress in period material. Fortunately these public housing units have clotheslines out back, which we dress with period clothes. Not so easy are the satellite dishes pointing to the southern sky. One comes down (it was disconnected), the rest are covered in burlap. The set looks good, the director is happy. The locals are just great -- friendly, cooperative, all very interested in what we're doing. I don't think a lot of films have shot here.

Then it's a mad dash to the other sets, one up on H Street, two others on the mall. Then back the SW to wrap the townhouse... except as we turn the corner, there are, and I counted them, 12 police cars, plus an ambulance and a pumper truck. "Oh no," I think, worried about the locations guy we've left to watch our set dressing. I hop out of the box truck and walk over; fortunately our guy is safe, but has quite a tale to tell, in which a dozen police officers chased a suspect THROUGH OUR SET and corralled him in the intersection. Eventually we get the truck there, and start loading. Just as one of the residents comes home, and starts screaming bloody murder that we didn't have the right to shoot in her yard (you're eight hours late, lady!). We slam the doors of the truck and get the hell out of there.

Long day. Call time was 6AM, I wrapped at 11:15PM. I think I drank nine bottles of water, and never peed once.

Do what I say, not what I do...

2006-07-31T18:39:00.000-04:00

So I'm driving south on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, plodding along in the slow lane as those of us driving Honda Element's are wont to do. I hear the "woop-woop-WOOP" of a police siren, and notice a Park Police car in the left lane. He doesn't have his lights going. The driver in front of him quickly pulls over to the right lane, but the cop stays in the left. Speeds up. Gets right behind another driver, who of course has slowed down to the ridiculous 45mph that is posted there. "Woop-woop-WOOP." Again, a driver moves right, and the cop speeds by. "Hmm," I think. "No lights. No siren. Is he responding to a call?" I shrug, and return my attention to the Book on tape playing from the iPod.

A few miles down the road, I see the same police car -- I noted the cruiser number earlier -- now sitting on the median, behind some bushes, radar unit at the ready.

So, let me see if I have this straight: He was in a hurry to get to his ticket-writing perch, and didn't feel like waiting behind other drivers who were going the speed limit... so he could hurry up and start writing tickets for people who exceed the speed limit.

Am I missing something?

Those whacky Germans

2006-07-24T19:37:00.000-04:00

So I have this new gig at a production house that is owned by Germans. They gave me an email account, and a lot of the company-wide messages are indecipherable to me, as I speak no more German than is required to find a bathroom, order a beer, find the subway, or perform a kidney transplant. Still, some kinds of humor transcend the boundaries of language, such as this ditty that recently made the rounds:

So haben es die Deutschen gesehen (As the Germans saw it)

So haben es die Franzosen gesehen (As the French saw it):

So haben es die Italiener gesehen (As the Italians saw it):

So haben es die Amerikaner gesehen (As the Americans saw it) :

Am I just not blockbuster material?

2006-07-18T00:08:00.000-04:00

Last summer I was profoundly disappointed by "War of the Worlds," feeling that it was perhaps the worst use of a film budget ever.

This summer, I'm finding myself saying the same thing about "Pirates 2."

Perhaps if the film had been, oh, an hour shorter, it would have been a bit more palatable. Perhaps if it wasn't 150 minute excuse for special effects, it would have been more enjoyable. Johnny Depp is gifted, but even he can't save a film this endlessly long.

The sequel is lacking so much of the wit and charm of the first one. Nuggets of it appear here and there, and eventually we get around to buckling some swash, but in between we're stuck with the depressing tale of Will and his doomed Dad, and a squid-faced Micky Dolenz, er, Davey Jones, oozing just enough slime and grossness to appeal to the eight-year-old boys in the audience.

Wait for the DVD on this one, folks. Trust me. Perhaps the third installment will recapture the magic; the second Indiana Jones film was a disaster as well, yet the third one, with Sean Connery stealing the show, was a gem. We shall see.

Trailers that looked interesting include the Marky Mark Philadelphia Eagles flick ("Invincible") and the Richard Gere 1970's Howard Hughes story, "The Hoax." And no, I'm not interested in the latter just because I worked on it...

Frozen Derry

2006-06-12T02:54:00.000-04:00

I've long shared Zippy's fascination with funky 50's architecture, especially the fun, kitschy Googie style. Is there a site where Zippy's (or more accurately, Griffy's) drawings are identified? Because if I'm not mistaken, this is the long-lost Frozen Dairy Bar that used to sit alongside US Rt 50 just west of Falls Church, VA. It has since been replaced with a CVS (Yes, we need more of those!). And it reminds me a great deal of Carl's in Fredericksburg (which I'm happy to report is still going strong; in fact I introduced The Girlfriend to this landmark only a few weeks ago). 20 years ago at MWC, you knew it was truly Spring when Carl's re-opened for the season.

(From HollyEats.com)

Zippy would approve.

Almost heaven

2006-06-10T20:30:00.000-04:00

The gig is pretty simple: A promotional video for a West Virginia school district, to attract new teachers to the county. We do some interviews, and drive around the county picking up B-roll. At the end of one shooting day, this vista pops up: The sun just setting behind the distant mountains, picture perfect clouds showing those glorious purple highlights that only sunsets can create, and in front of me, a row of orchard trees marching off along the hillside, with not a sign of man or beast to be seen. It's a beautiful moment, one that I've barely captured on film, er, pixels.

I have a number of relatives in West Virginia, albeit on the other side of the state. And as a kid, I really didn't like travelling there much; I was prone to car sickness, and, to be quite frank, was a snobby kid who felt his suburban lifestyle was the only one that really mattered. Yet here I am, 30 some years later, absolutely falling in love with the place.

Perhaps not quite heaven. But damned pretty.

Miles of Rope

2006-05-15T03:09:00.000-04:00

There's something wonderful about being alone on the shore of the Potomac at six A.M. Just me and the Mount Vernon guard dog, a skittish border collie, watching the mist rise off the river and thinking about the day's work, your tools about to dig into earth that George Washington once owned and worked. Then the rest of the crew arrives, along with the micromanaging production designer, and all romantic thoughts disappear.

We're rebuilding George Washington's camp at Valley Forge, and recreating a field hospital out of barns and outbuildings. Up the road they're filming scenes of the French and Indian wars, including the untimely death of General Braddock. We're pitching tents, digging fire pits, erecting flagpoles, and stretching tarps across handmade wooden poles. We're strictly forbidden from using any kind of permanent fasteners on the Mt Vernon buildings, so we're using rope to build just about everything. Our micromanaging production designer insists on going on every product run personally, usually coming back with a single 150' package of manilla rope -- which we use in about ten minutes. Eventually he figures out that it's cheaper to buy LOTS of rope and risk spending an extra $10 on materials than to pay six guys union scale to wait around for him to return.

Oh, the project -- we're making an 18 minute film, "George Washington: Man of Decision," which will run at the new Mt Vernon visitor's center... some day. It's rewarding to think that long after my other films (Wedding Crashers, Syriana, etc) are largely forgotten and are but Deep Tracks in Netflix's rotation, this little production will be run several times a day for bored, field-tripping youngsters.

It rains. It's hot one day, cold the next. It's perhaps as hard as I've ever physically worked on a set, and I'm utterly filthy at the end of each day. My knee aches because someone (well, let's be upfront: The production designer!) is apparently unable to drive, and sends me flying off the back of a pickup truck when he slams on the brakes for absolutely no discernable reason. But the work feels good, and the place looks fantastic. In a couple days, the shooting crew will be here, and there will be the mad dash of last-minute set dressing and Splashing of Fake Blood.

But for now, the nameless Border Collie and I are enjoying a few peaceful minutes on the banks of the Potomac; I'm thinking about who was standing on this spot 230 years ago, and he's thinking how good my bacon-egg-chese sandwich smells.

Ghost Roads

2006-05-03T23:49:00.000-04:00

I've always been fascinated by abandoned infrastructure. The abandoned subway stations in New York and London, for instance. What's even more interesting is infrastructure that never got used, especially roads. I think this is a manifestation of my slack-jawed looks from the back of my Dad's Buick as we drove to New York state -- a giant, towering exit ramp that ended in a straight line, looming over I95 in Baltimore. It looked post-Apocalyptic. I wanted to know the story behind it.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm driving to Ocean City (Maryland) to hang with some friends. On Maryland 90, just west of the bay, there was this full interchange that didn't go anywhere. A cloverleaf to nowhere, no road, just ramps that appeared to have never been used. I wanted to know the story behind it.

Not far from my house, there is a huge interchange where I-95 meets the DC Beltway. 95 was originally planned to go into and through Washington, and meet up with what is now I395 at New York Ave. NIMBYs killed it in the early 70s, but not before Maryland built the entire interchange, as seen here.

Today the SHA parks equipment on the completed roadbed, and, up close, you can just make out the faded lane markers.

Here is a shot of the old towering ramp I mentioned earlier. It's where I70 would have connected with I95 in Baltimore. The big ramp was demolished years ago, but some stubs still remain. In this shot, 95 runs horizontally across the frame.

Here's another shot of I70 in Baltimore, this is where it ends after covering 2,700 miles from Utah. It came up a couple miles short, here seen just east of the Baltimore Beltway.

Here's a chunk of I70 that was built, but never connected with the segment shown earlier. It's just west of downtown Baltimore, a strange-looking depressed freeway with a bunch of overpasses, that abruptly ends; in the photo, the lanes on the left have never seen traffic, and on the leftmost side, the right-of-way has been turned into a parking lot.

Getting away from DC-Baltimore for a second, here's an interchange that would have taken 95 into Boston, at the intersection of I-93.

And finally, our tour ends with the mysterious interchange near Ocean City. This one -- well, I still have no story for it. Perhaps some gracious roadgeek could help.

I Hear it Tastes Just Like Chicken

2006-04-24T23:35:00.000-04:00

There's always a risk when a data field isn't quite long enough to handle the whole chunk. Check out the second film in my "Shipped" list. Hell, I've never even tried it.

2006-04-23T23:48:00.000-04:00

An old friend sent me some scans of comic strips from college. He and I and a few others lived in the basement of a dorm. There were only a few rooms down there, the rest being taken up by boilers and storerooms and such. We loved it. A film called "C.H.U.D." came out one year, an acronym standing for "Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers." The tag line was "They're not staying down there any more!" We loved it. We had a motto.

None of us could draw. But we fancied ourselves as funny guys, more than one of us being English majors and all. So we'd draw little cartoons about each other, and leave them taped to each other's doors. Mine got a little out of control. Did I mention I can't draw? Sure as hell couldn't then, either.

So, fresh from 1983, here's a sample of "Pennsylvania Rice and the Internship of Doom." Click on the single panel for the whole shootin' match.

And I didn't even notice until just now that my Ronald Reagan (yes, that's who it's supposed to be) has his finger poised over a button...

Deja vu and amnesia at the same time

2006-04-22T23:41:00.000-04:00

I know, everyone who's worked in a cube thinks Dilbert is about their company. And "Office Space" was the film version. Let's get over ourselves, eh?

Thing about this strip is, this happened. A FRIEND OF MINE was working at a big consulting company. His group was a bit outside of normal consulting, however, as they had created an actual services group that provided real servers and real software and stuff like that. Radical for this company. Their leader was a go-getter that we'll call Tim. Tim had created this group from the ground up, and had the support of most of the executives. But he'd also ticked off a few of the old timers on the way up. Then one day, a washed up VP who'd been tossed from a huge software company -- and who sat on the board -- decided he wasn't quite ready to retire.

So, after some talks with our CEO, in which they couldn't really decide where he'd fit, they made him the new uberchief of the little group. Tim wasn't all that happy about that, and soon moved on to greener pastures. The new uberchief brought in basically his entire staff from the old software company, something like 15 people (the group had been 22 people before he came along). One of them was his nephew, whom we will call Ernie. Ernie was all of 28, and prior to coming to my company, had never done anything more rigorous than create the uberChief's PowerPoint slides. But in the new job, he became a managing director -- the same level Tim had been. And the youngest in the history of the company.

Things rather went downhill from there. About half of the existing employees were laid off, which gave the uberChief a chance to hire even more of his old staff. Most of them came in at the managing director level as well. From MY FRIEND's back of the napkin calculations, payroll increased by a factor of 14.

In the middle of all this was the last remaining manager from the old group, whom we will call Chip. Chip had direct experience in this kind of work before, and had a long series of successes. He was a couple of years from retirement, and a very decent man. The uberchief realized he had to have some level of management between him and the idiot nephew, so Chip became Ernie's de juro supervisor.

One day, MY FRIEND was approached by Chip to lead a new group, one that would be granted $1M to spend developing the branding, collateral, and other marketing communications materials around the product. MY FRIEND said that this was basically what he was doing already, and didn't really need a staff of six to do the work. Chip, off the record, told him that it had nothing to do with actually producing any content. The company was in trouble, and was laying people off left and right. A new edict had come out of Mahogany Hall that any partner (managing director) had to have at least six employees to maintain his title. Ernie had one at that point -- MY FRIEND.

So, MY FRIEND started pulling in people, some internal, some external, and desperately tried to figure out how to keep them all busy. He became more frustrated, even telling Chip that he was considering leaving the business, as this charade represented everything that was wrong with the industry. Meanwhile, Ernie put in maybe four hours a day of work, as he basically didn't have anything to do either. So MY FRIEND spent over half a million dollars, from the coffers of a publicly traded company, and one that was downsizing at the rate of 12% per year, in order to keep a VP's nephew in his partner slot -- a nephew that MIGHT have been qualified to be a junior analyst at the same company, had he not been enjoying the fruits of nepotism.

A few months later, MY FRIEND called Chip and said "put me on the next layoff list." He moved on to a new career, and never looked back.

Well, until Dilbert documented it for him.

More from Eric Haney

2006-04-15T12:31:00.000-04:00

Georgia boy Eric Haney (who was, among other things, a Ranger, a member of Delta Force, and who retired as a Command Sergeant Major, the second highest NCO rank in the entire Army) continued his criticism of the the Bush adminstration, this time with a local newspaper, the Rome (GA) News. Haney goes on to describe how military commanders are silenced if they even obliquely criticize the administration or Rumsfeld.

"I understand the people who are doing this and where they're coming from. Delusional ideology is a big factor, and there’s a huge amount of venal corporate activity. Halliburton and other companies are making so much money that they don’t want to see it changed."

And as we've seen lately, retired brass are starting to speak out. Some still believe the invasion was the right thing to do, but felt that Bush and Rumsfeld sent an unprepared army into harms way; others question the very motivations of the invasion.

Haney goes on to describe how military commanders are silenced if they even obliquely criticize the administration or Rumsfeld.

"Rumsfeld said the generals are getting all the troops they ask for, but they've gotten the word not to ask. If you don’t play ball, you don't get that other star or that book deal or the chance to sit on corporate boards when you retire."

Haney is also upfront about his allegiances -- it's to the troops in the field, irrespective of what party is in charge. I've met the man, worked with him, and had a few conversations with him. He's no Kum-by-ya idealist.

"I don't care if it was the pope in charge; wrongdoing does not recognize partisanship. I had the same problem with Clinton and the Democrats — you should clean up your own mess."

With Bush's approval rating hovering in the mid-high 30s, apparently Haney isn't alone in questioning this administration's competence.

Jargon

2006-04-12T13:19:00.000-04:00

The Girlfriend recently asked me, "Who is your blog for? You have this 'film insider' stuff, then politics, then comic strips, then slice-of-life stuff." She said that it appeared that my "audience" would be fellow film professionals, since I, apparently, use a lot of insider terms and jargon.

So, today we're going to talk about film formats, and why they are of (minor)(some) importance in filmmaking.

35mm film is the standard for most theatrical films. The cameras take big reels of film, usual 400 feet long, but sometimes longer, and run them through the camera at a rate of 24 frames per second. The film is sized just like the 35mm film you run through your older still cameras, but turned on its side. Thus the image on motion picture film is actually smaller than the one you get on a 35mm camera. Which is pretty impressive, considering the image winds up getting projected to 50' across in a theater.

Unlike the home movies we shot 30 years ago, motion picture film, or stock, is actually negative film. It gets "printed" onto another set of negatives, creating a positive, and that (or rather a copy of that) is what gets shown at the theater. So, not only is the motion picture frame smaller than your 35mm slide film, it's actually a copy of a copy.

There are other film sizes out there. When I was a kid, my father had an 8mm (well, Super8, technically) camera. It had no sound, and the pictures were jerky, and, unlike with theatrical movies, what you ran through the projector was what came out of the camera; lose it or scratch it and that's that.

An intermediate size, created about 30 years after the 35mm size was standardized, is 16mm. As you might guess, it's a little less than half the size of 35mm stock, and the frame size is thus 1/4 that of a 35mm frame. The advantages are that the film itself is cheaper, and you use less of it. Also, the processing, which is generally charged by the foot, costs less as well. If you were in school in the 60s and 70s, pretty much all of the films you saw in school were 16mm, shown through those big blue Bell and Howell projectors that geeks like me threaded for you.

The obvious disadvantage to using 16mm is that there is a noticeable degradation of the image. It's just like with your digital cameras and the megapixels: The bigger the source material, the better looking the image (everything else being equal). But sometimes that grainy look is actually what the director is going for. The TV show "Homicide" was shot on 16mm stock, and it has an edgy, rough look to it that complements a show whose tag line is "Life on the Streets." 16mm cameras are also noticeably smaller and lighter than 35mm cameras, so it's easier to use them hand-held (as opposed to on a tripod or a dolly). You can also mount them in weird places more easily, like off a car bumper or on the handlebars of a bicycle.

The advent of DVDs has made 16mm more acceptable. While in a theater you would easily notice the difference in image quality versus 35mm, it's much harder to tell on a regular television set. When a 16mm project gets a theatrical release, it is almost always converted (blown up) to 35mm, as that is the standard in movie theaters.

Who uses 16mm? Most film students, for starters. But a fair number of independent films are shot on it. In fact, some Oscar nominees in the past couple of years used the format. These include Hustle and Flow, Transamerica, The Squid and the Whale, The Station Agent, Vera Drake, and Thirteen.

Of course, there are all kinds of variations. 16mm film, like the 35mm film that you put into your still camera, originally had to sets of holes on either side, called sprocket holes. Most cameras today only have sprockets on one side, so the image was made a tad bigger to use that space where the other set of holes used to be. This is generally called Super16, and in fact all of the movies I mentioned above were shot in this format.

Next time we'll talk about video, hi-definition video, and how it is creeping into mainstream film production.

And now from the other side of the military's ranks

2006-04-12T01:15:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, I posted some strong comments about Iraq by former Delta Force Sgt Eric Haney. Today, I see that Lt General Greg Newbold, USMC (Ret) has spoken out against the war in Time Magazine.

A career NCO and a career officer are both saying basically the same thing. That, my friends, is rare.

"After 9/11, I was a witness and therefore a party to the actions that led us to the invasion of Iraq--an unnecessary war. Inside the military family, I made no secret of my view that the zealots' rationale for war made no sense... But I now regret that I did not more openly challenge those who were determined to invade a country whose actions were peripheral to the real threat--al-Qaeda. I retired from the military four months before the invasion, in part because of my opposition to those who had used 9/11's tragedy to hijack our security policy."

It's one thing when Barbara Striesand or Martin Sheen speak up against our policy in Iraq; when the likes of Haney and Newbold say the same thing, it's time to reflect on what the hell we're doing over there.

Ann Coulter: Get to the ER!

2006-04-10T16:04:00.000-04:00

...because, from what I can tell from this photograph, you either have both a fractured ulna and radius, OR there is something very wrong with the carpals in your left hand. To wit:

And no, I didn't PhotoShop the original image. See it for yourself at

http://www.anncoulter.com/cgi-local/photo.cgi?image=silver-dress.jpg

That's gotta hurt!

"Utter Debacle"

2006-04-06T02:17:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I worked on a low-budget reality show called Spymaster. It ran on TLC in 2004, after getting almost zero promotion from Discovery. Quite forgettable, but the show's host was an ex-Delta Force Command Sgt Major named Eric Haney. That's him in the photo, alongside the show's winner, Grisella Martinez, shot by yours truly in a dry irrigation ditch in Tijuana. Hey, I told you it was low-budget...

Mr. Haney wrote a very compelling book a few years ago, called "Inside Delta Force." He also made friends with David Mamet, and worked with him on the feature film Spartan; Haney's influence on the lead character was obvious to those who knew him: I've only heard two people use the term "exfiltrate." One was Haney, the other was Val Kilmer.

Recently, Mamet bought the rights to Mr. Haney's book, and developed the kick-ass tv series "The Unit." As such, Haney was interviewed by David Kronke. When asked about the war in Iraq, Haney replied:

"Utter debacle. But it had to be from the very first. The reasons were wrong. The reasons of this administration for taking this nation to war were not what they stated. (Army Gen.) Tommy Franks was brow-beaten and ... pursued warfare that he knew strategically was wrong in the long term. That's why he retired immediately afterward. His own staff could tell him what was going to happen afterward... We have fomented civil war in Iraq. We have probably fomented internecine war in the Muslim world between the Shias and the Sunnis, and I think Bush may well have started the third world war, all for their own personal policies."

See the full interview at DailyNews.com.

And no, he doesn't lighten up. His vocal criticism of the Bush administration's handling of Iraq continues.

This is powerful stuff. This is a guy who spent 20 years in the army, and basically hit all of the hotspots that our military encountered in that time. He was IN the C-130 that caught fire in the Iranian desert. He was in Grenada. He was a founding member of Delta Force. When the Beltway snipers were terrorizing the greater DC area, Haney was interviewed, and was spot-on as to how many snipers there were, how they had modified their vehicle, and what their tactics were.

This guy knows his stuff. He's tough and he's smart, and he's not afraid to say what he thinks. I challenge the Bush apologists to try to Swift Boat Haney, and paint him as some kind of "kindness and caring" liberal -- he's the real deal, and unlike George W. Bush, he really has been to war.

When career NCO's like Haney start questioning the Iraqi policy, it's time to take a hard look at our actions... and how to get out of this mess.

Finally, another nice action shot of Haney... yeah, we had a thing for helicopters on that show.

BEHIND the camera!

2006-04-05T18:11:00.000-04:00

A production designer that I'd worked with several times called me up, and said she had to leave her History Channel project for something else. Would I be interested in taking over? Sure -- seems easy enough, a 9-11 recreation to go along with some interviews with survivors. I meet the producer and director, and really like their journalistic style.

My first day is in a bar in Georgetown. The production designer, Alex, is still working with us, so it's a crossover day. I'm busily dressing the set, when the director comes up to me.

"Ah, I need to ask you something," he says, in a somewhat sheepish voice.

"Yes?"

"Well, here is my problem." He pulls out his three-ring binder. "You see, this is the person we interviewed," he shows me a photo of a middle-aged fellow, glasses, bald as a cue ball, "and this is the actor they sent me," bald fellow, glasses, about 80. "So, I was wondering, you see..." and his eyes travel over my face.

"Ah. Well, I'm fine with that. But there's a problem: I can't act. And I'm wearing a t-shirt that says 'Syriana' on it. And I haven't shaved in three days."

"No problem. Wardrobe and makeup will take care of that." I look at Alex, she shrugs, so off I go.

The suit is too small, and the tie is ghastly, but I clean up ok. I'm walking back to the set, and the director hands me some paper. "Here are your lines."

I stop.

"Lines!? Wait a second, you didn't say anything about lines!"

"Well, it's mostly ad-libbed. You'll do fine."

"Perhaps you missed this the first time I mentioned it: I CAN'T ACT."

By now it's too late. They're ready to roll. I plop down in the booth with the (other) two actors, who greet me.

"Hi, I'm Bob! You look familiar -- what were you in last?"

"Bus Stop."

"Oh -- with anybody I know?"

"Yeah -- Shae D'Lyn."

"Cool. When was this?"

"Fall of 1980. We were both high school seniors."

Well, I stumbled through the lines, and the director seemed happy. I am really really hoping that they put narration or something under this footage, or, better yet, cut it entirely. I really do not like being on camera. Nor should you like me for me to be on camera. It can frighten your children.

In telling this story to an old high school chum, he remarked that the 1980 Fauquier Senior High School production of "Bus Stop" netted a few people who went on to make drama their careers: Shae D'Lyn (then Shae Sherertz) played the female lead, and the guy who played the male lead went on to act in some films. The fellow who played his sidekick, Virgil, now directs and has worked on something like 50 feature films.

And then there's me.

And it will never, ever happen again...

All Praise be to...

2006-04-05T14:41:00.000-04:00

Indeed. Have I mentioned how much I like my new Mac Dual G5 yet? Picked it up last year. Big purchase. Scary. But since then, I've cranked out three music videos, three wedding videos, and four corporates. Plus a new demo reel and some other fun stuff. After years with Avid, I have to admit, Final Cut Pro makes things easier. It's not without its glitches, however, and occassional I have to (gasp!) reboot the Mac. But there is simply no comparison with the hair-pulling madness that Windows XP/Avid DV Express put me through so many times...

And, in the interest of today's B.C., I must thank God personally for desiging the G5 architecture, for making RAM so inexpensive, and for providing BOTH Firewire AND High-Speed USB ports apently, so I can run my DV deck and my bank of external drives all at the same time.

So, is today's blog post Science Fact in the mind of Jonny Hart?

... or has Jonny Hart really just, well, lost it?

HG Humour

2006-04-04T13:45:00.000-04:00

April 4th's Mallard Fillmore:

Wow, there's a real knee-slapper.

I thought the Religious Right, of which Mallard is so fond, didn't believe in evolution?

This one is just so full of bizzaro-world contradictions, I don't know where to start...

A name by any other Rose

2006-04-03T13:55:00.000-04:00

My ex is the art director for a snobby stationery/personalized greeting card company. She does almost all of their samples. So, for years, I'd see names of people I knew in their catalogs. There were even birthday cards and letterheads that had my name on them. To this day, their web site shows a card with "Frances B" on the top -- my grandmother, who passed away five years ago. The fact is, it's HARD to make up fake names, as Jerry and George discovered with Art Vandalay.

Well last week I was working on a tv pilot for ABC. My official role was a set dresser, but the production designer found out I have some... "experience" with things high-tech, and I quickly became enlisted to make the computer props work properly. At one point, we were shooting in the lobby of the Dept of Interior (making it look like Dept of State), and at the last minute, a PC was added to the guard desk. I had exactly 90 seconds to gen up a fake visitor log for the screen.

On that list are the names of my friends, my ex's family, people I knew in high school, and a couple of college friends (look closely and you'll see "Rice, K." and Stableford, S. (really closely)) Two of my golf buddies are highlighted with the red bar -- trouble! And naturally, The Girlfriend and all her crew. Plus my old IBM buddy Mr. Rose.

Hey -- names gotta come from somewhere, right?

What Daddy does for a living

2006-04-02T14:13:00.000-04:00

It was an empty room when we walked in. No cubes. Nothing on the walls. Nada. A truck full of stuff, a friendly guy from the office furniture place who showed us how to put the cubicle hardware together, and three straight days of work later, this was the result. Looks like a cluttered government office, right?

God, I hope so...

Imitation in the Sincerest Form of Flattery

2006-03-11T23:15:00.000-05:00

I've been a Netflix subscriber since late 1999. At the time, I thought there was no way the service would survive -- too good to be true. But, after a year or so, I realized it would either change the way we rented DVDs, or else just awaken slumbering giants. Apparently the answer was "both," as Blockbuster has come on full-force with its DVD-by-mail program.

This image of a happy couple enjoying some red wine and a whole stack o' Netflix polycarbonate has graced their web site for at least a year.

So, imagine my surprise when I checked out Blockbuster's competing site.

Let's see. The Blockbuster couple has apparently decided to watch films without a glass of wine or a pillow, and the Blockbuster Boy isn't one of The Riddler's hencmen, unlike our friend from Netflix.

Other than that...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to watch some DVDs. But first I have to get The Girlfriend to put on her white tank top and blue sweats, then I'll put my arm around her shoulder just so...

Scoring the Oscars

2006-03-08T22:19:00.000-05:00

Of the major categories, I got them all right except for Best Picture -- never saw "Crash" coming. I happened to like it better than Brokeback, but the films are so radically different, they're hard to compare. Both were quality films, and I really like that they were shot on the cheap; the indie revolution continues.

I missed Best Foreign Language film: Was sure that "Paradise Now" would win, but, as The Girlfriend correctly pointed out, it's pro-Palestinian (hell, one could call it pro-terrorist and not be completely off base) position might not ring well with some of the older Academy Members. I'll have to check out Tsotsi, it sounds interesting.

I missed on some of the "lesser" categories, like animated films and shorts (not a one of which I'd seen). Got documentary right -- duh; anyone who's seen "Penguins" would have known it was a shoo-in. Was pleasantly surprised that "Pimp" got best song, and I was really amused to hear the New and Improved lyrics ("... and a whole lot of witches jumping ship." Oh my.)

In my quest to see all the major nominees, I came up one short: Pride and Prejudice is sitting on my shelf. Ah well, last year I missed one film as well. Considering the spread this year, that ain't bad.

For grins, check out the Washington Post's discussion about the Oscar winners; half the participants haven't even seen the movies, and appear to be quite proud of the fact. Am I missing something?

Moving sucks

2006-03-06T17:26:00.000-05:00

No updates in a while... sorry about that. A perfect storm of events kicked in: Moved from the miserable house in Loudoun County to the cool condo in Silver Spring; had a frantic gig with The History Channel, and got sick as a dog to boot. Updates to follow, I promise.

Verizon madness

2006-03-04T18:28:00.000-05:00

So I'm using Verizon's on-line configurator to get my new phone. At first, it looks like a pretty good system. It gives me all the options for the packages, or I can pick a-la-carte. Great. I pick a plan that gives you three "goodies," and the configurator automatically picks CallerID, home voice mail, and call waiting. Fine. I click continue. Nope -- in big red ERROR letters, it says I can't hve home voice mail unless I pick call fowarding. So why the hell does it pick those thre for you? Fine, I deselect call waiting, and select call forwarding. ERROR. You must select call forwarding! Um, I did... there appears to be no way out, so I deselect all of the options. The configurator happily allows me to continue... well, this won't work, so I try again. Eventually, after maybe five attempts, I am able to select voice mail, callerID, and call forwarding. Why the hell don't they just automtically check those boxes in the first place? Why needlessly make the customer jump through hoops?

I realize Verizon is a monopoly, and thus doesn't give a rat's arse if the customer is happy or not, but really, that's no reason to rub it in...

More useless navel-gazing

2006-02-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, I took one of those web-based IQ tests. You've probably seen their banner ads too. It seemed a bit too easy, so I took a few others. The results? Who cares. Today, whilst wondering around myspace.com, I came across yet another personality test. Here are the results:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Religious	\|\|	10%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Physical Fitness	\|\|	10%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Yikes. A paranoid, hyper-sensitive materialist who seeks conflict. Clearly there are some bugs in this system!

Punto de Gravel

2006-02-14T02:06:00.000-05:00

Just to the north of Washington National Airport, there is a little park. It has a boat ramp, a small parking lot, and some ball fields. The Mount Vernon bicycle trail runs through it. It's called gravelly point, and if you like to do planespotting, it's the place to do so around Washington.

After 9-11, I really thought the Park Service would close this place down. The airplanes fly so low over the park that I swear I could hit one with a good nine-iron shot. Well, that is, if I hit a good nine-iron shot... with a decent lens, you can read the serial numbers stamped onto the landing gear.

The shot above was made with a 300mm lens on a Nikon D1, so it's about the equivalent of 420mm in 35mm.

Years ago, I'd stand directly under the flight path, the MD-80's and 737's rushing overhead. After the airplane would pass, there was a swirling, "wooshing" sound. I think it's the superheated air cooling after the jet engines pass by, but I'm not sure. We called it "The Quickening," as in the film Highlander. Geeky, yeah, but there you are.

Now, even after all the times I've lugged camera and video gear to Gravelly Point, I've never gotten a truly interesting shot. This one, shot in the Netherland Antilles by Justin Cederholm, is pretty darn impressive...

This photo, and many other great airplane shots, can be found at Airliners.net

Can't Believe it's Not Butterfield 8

2006-02-12T01:58:00.000-05:00

The "all the Oscars" quest continues... up to 55.8%. This is going to take my whole life. The good news is that I only have three left for 2005, having banged out Transamerica and Mrs. Henderson Presents this weekend.

But, back to the historical task: Butterfield 8 was pretty good. Ironic that Liz Taylor hated the role, which was a contractural obligation, and it netted her her first Oscar.

What I liked was her car: A Sunbeam Alpine.

An often overlooked car that I've always thought of a as a classic. As a kid, I enjoyed "Get Smart," and my dad, from whence I picked up the gearhead gene, always, without fail, commented on Maxwell Smart's Sunbeam Tiger. I wish I could get him one for his birthday, but, what the hey, he already has my old Miata...

Another part I found fascinating, as a former road geek (ask me about the history of I-95 and Washington DC sometime. I dare you.) were the shots of a then-fresh New York State Thruway.

At least... I think it's the Dewey. There is a sign in one shot...

And the toll plaza looks right...

And those rocky sides, they look a lot like the cut-throughs I remeber going up I-87 to Middletown to visit my grandmother... heck, could be the same stretch of road; according to The Thruway's web site, the part near Harriman was under construction right around when this film was being shot.

And speaking of grandmom... until the day she died, at age 103 in 2001, she referred to her phone number not as "343-xxxx" but "Diamond-3."

Must be a New York thing...

More clever than I!

2006-02-06T18:14:00.000-05:00

Regular readers (both of you) know that I sometimes read the comics. For me, they're like a car crash, I hate myself for looking -- most of them are just so, so awful. The profession basically ended with the last frames of The Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes, as far as I'm concerned.

Still, occasionally a gem pops up. A great site called The Comics Curmudgeon, written in a dry, hilarious style that I wish I had, pokes fun and analyzes these little bits of art almost every day (although Josh has been AWOL for most of the past couple weeks -- tsk). His comments on the unbelievably preachy "For Better or For Worse," the utterly imcomprehensible "Gil Thorp," and the just-plain-weird "Phantom" are his best work, imho.

A few weeks ago I even did my own lame attempt at bringing some humor to a "Spiderman" comic. But The Talent Show blog has done a truly fine job of skewering "Malard Filmore." I once read that good parody fools 50.1% of your audience (think "This is Spinal Tap" or "Best in Show"). "The Talent Show" has managed to capture that angry-but-still-not-quite-serious "humor" of Mallard (if, of course, you find cartoons about women drowning to be humorous, but I digress).

Hell, I don't even know how he got the font to match...