Sunny Florida

As the alarm starts beeping at 4AM, one word springs to mind.

Why.

Why the heck did I book a flight for 6:30 AM? Oh right -- using Delta points. And they're about to go belly up. Took what I could get. Yeah, I remember.

The cabbie's early. Check in is a breeze. Even security at Dulles is painless -- a post-911 first. They've finished part of the tunnel, so I can walk to terminal B instead of taking those weird shuttle buses. The flight is packed, and half the passengers have a hacking cough. Yadda yadda. It's all worthwhile when my father meets me at SRQ, and we step outside into the warm sunshine.

I used to love air travel, now I hate it. And if there is a passenger distribution section at the gates of hell, it will no doubt be indistinguishable from Hartsfield. But none of that matters. My parents look good, ten years into retirement and they're really living the dream. For the first time in about five years, it's warm in Sarasota for Christmas week. Perhaps my luck is changing.

Oscar projects (continued)

41-60 in my 2005 Oscar history project.

41. Night of the Iguana (1964)

Edgy, but not really satisfying. Acting struck me as over the top.

42. Longest Day (1962)

Perhaps the greatest WWII film ever made. I love how the various forces speak their own languages. Even the slightly misguided comic relief with Sean Connery can’t ruin the film.

43. Mutiny on the Bounty (1962)

At first, Brando’s pansy accent grated on me. But eventually it became worth it, and I felt that unlike many films, the gradual transformation of Fletcher’s character from dedicated officer to mutineer was timed quite nicely.

44. Judgement at Nuremberg (1961)

This film had to have been quite moving only 16 years after the war had ended. Even today, it raises important questions about the motivations of decent men who side with monsters.

45. Apartment (1960)

I loved this film. Billy Wilder was a genius. I couldn’t believe how appealing Shirley MacLaine was in her younger days. Jack Lemmon plays a decent man, who’s not a sap. I felt like watching it again as soon as it was over.

46. Sons and Lovers (1960)

Um, I need to check my notes, as I can’t remember a thing about this one. Oops.

47. Inherit the Wind (1960)

It was 45 years ago, and here we had a film that looked back in amazement that backwards-thinking people would insist on throwing out science. How times have changed! That sort of debate would never happen today…

48. Imitation of Life (1959)

Reviewed earlier.

49. Brothers Karamazov, The (1958)

I kinda hated the book, seemed to go on forever. And the film was true to the book…

50. Raintree County (1957)

Had never heard of this until it showed up on my list. Liz Taylor shows her star quality, and the production values were quite impressive, but it really seemed to drag. A forgotten film, for good reason.

51. Giant (1956)

So what is giant? Perhaps they meant the enormous palettes of film used by the filmmakers. Might have been a great film, if it were cut down by a few hours.

52. Baby Doll (1956)

I can see why this was so controversial back in the 50’s. Made me a bit squeamish in 2005.

53. War and Peace (1956)

I must confess, I was doing other stuff on my laptop while the film ran. Just couldn’t get into it. Can I still count this one?

54. On the Waterfront (1954)

Magnificent. The audio problems were very distracting, especially on the rooftop, but the performances alone make the movie a classic. Add the great cinematography, an intelligent script, and nice use of locations, and you have the best film of the 50s.

55. Magnificent Obsession (1954)

Good Lord but this was sappy. From the opening shots where the gas jockeys comment on the roguish behaviour of Bob Merrick, to the ridiculous plotline of Helen’s injury, the film would be greatly improved by the boys at MST3K.

56. Executive Suite (1954)

Business politics in the 50s. I liked it.

57. Rear Window (1954)

Why does Hitchcock’s world look slightly different? Is it because he has the patience to let his camera linger over a shot for so long? His work is locked in time, however; there’s really no way to capture some of his magic today. For instance, notice how he pokes fun at the morals of the 50s, without violating the codes of the 50s. It’s almost like he shot these films for us, 50 years later.

58. Julius Ceaser (1953)

I’m sorry, the only Shakespeare-on-film that’s really worked for me have been the late 60’s version of Romeo and Juliet, and a made-for-tv version of Taming of the Shrew. The rest just die for me.

59. Mogambo (1953)

Seemed like a poor man’s version of African Queen.

60. Lavender Hill Mob (1952)

Charming, hilarious, silly and fun. Such unlikely robbers. Before there was Ocean’s 11, there were Henry and Alfred. I recently saw in the Hollywood Reporter that a remake is in process for 2006. Should be fun.

Oscar Mission, Part II

21. A Civil Action (1998)

There are two popular actors who I just can’t get past. Whenever John Travolta or Rob Lowe play an educated, intelligent, or hard-working character, my simply won’t accept the premise. This film had potential, and a nice supporting cast. Robert Duvall’s creepy, sublime performance was terrific. Replace goofy Travolta with a decent actor – Nick Cage, perhaps – and the film improves immediately.

22. Mrs. Brown (1997)

What great casting. Judi Dench with her raspy, haughty voice, and Billy Connolly, playing much larger than his actual 6-0, are perfect foils. The manner in which Brown’s character is so dedicated to his Queen, even to the point of offending her staff and her own royal family, is a pleasure to watch.

23. Nell (1994)

The AMPAS just loves it when mainstream actors play disabled people. Sometimes the role is actually challenging, like Dustin Hoffman’s Rain Man; other times, it’s basically consists of braying and loud laughs, like Sean Penn’s “I Am Sam.” Jodie Foster’s Nell is neither, falling somewhere in the middle. It’s the script that makes such little sense. <>

24. Malcolm X (1992)

I’ve often argued that Denzel Washington might well be our greatest living American actor. He can play anything. Clean cut cop, bitter and angry slave, boozing bodyguard, corrupt cop, career Naval officer, and, in this case, bring life and humanity to a complex historical character. <>

25. Dry White Season, A (1989)

I need to find out how accurate this film is. Made during end of Apartheid, I’m guessing that the opening massacre is based on Sharpeville, and Jürgen Prochnow’s character is a fictionalized Colonel J. Pienaar. Still. Did he order his troopers to shoot children in the back? The film almost, almost, goes too far to demonize the bad guys. Shocking.

26. Mission, The (1986)

Beautiful scenery, strong performances, a story of faith and redemption, but for some reason it just didn’t work for me. I might need to watch this again.

27 .Trip to Bountiful, The (1985)

I kept thinking “This reads like a play.” The characters seemed two-dimensional, and the performances were a bit over-the-top, like you have to do on stage to communicate with an audience 100’ away.

28. Frances (1982)

Interesting how the Sam Shepard character seems to drift in and out of Frances’ life, arriving just when he’s needed. Jessica Lange, in her younger years, had a vulnerability about her that made her perfect for this role. It turns out the lobotomy story was a complete falsehood, although it doesn’t diminish the horror that such a technique was still in use in my own lifetime.

29. Reds (1981)

Huge, sweeping, perhaps overly ambitious. Why isn’t this film available on DVD? I had to purchase an old VHS copy in order to see it. Some completely unmitigated crap is available on DVD, but not a multiple-Oscar winner?

30. Chapter Two (1979)

It’s hard to believe there was a time when we found Neil Simon films to be entertaining. When we felt Marsha Mason was a great actress. When James Caan tried to play sensitive roles. Well kiddies, it was the 70s, what can I say. Caan’s character has a meltdown, treats his new bride like a bay treats a diaper, then goes for a walk and everything’s fine. Roll credits.

31. Julia (1977)

I lost interest and started responding to emails. Ok, ok, I’ll scratch it off the “seen” list and watch it again.

32. Save the Tiger (1973)

I miss Jack Lemmon. By my count, in 82 roles he never shot anyone, never beat anyone up. Harry Stoner remains one of his greatest characters, a troubled man who wants to do the right thing, but feels left behind by a rapidly changing world. I started to write, “Why isn’t this film available on DVD? I had to buy an old VHS copy on eBay to see it.” Then I found out it was just released on DVD, with a nice widescreen print. Well ok, then.

33. Cinderella Liberty (1973)

There was this fascination with navy NCOs in the late 60s and early 70s. Perhaps with Viet Nam raging, it was hard to focus on a career ground pounder and not deal with the war. The Navy was safer, and of course there was always the romance of life on the sea. Boatswain’s Mate, First Class, John Baggs Jr is believable. His Naval career isn’t that hard, and he finds himself wanting to make a dent on land. Not a bad film.

34. Fat City (1972)

An undiscovered gem, at least for me. I had no idea Jeff Bridge’s had such acting chops as a young man. The always-creepy Stacey Keach is well cast as a washed up fighter, and one who has nothing else to fall back on.

35. Five Easy Pieces (1970)

I’d pretty much watch anything shot by Lazlo Kovacs. This meandering, complex, unpredictable story made a star out of Jack, and was one of the more visible examples of Hollywood moving into the uncharted territory of the New Wave of Cinema. For the next five years, we’d see a string of dynamite films.

36. I Never Sang for My Father (1970)

Gene Hackman has always been great at playing angry characters who were trying to control their anger. Watch the way his face changes, for example, when he confront Sean Young in “No Way Out.” Now we see where that bottled rage came from – his film father, played by Melvyn Douglas. Watching their final confrontation, you have this sad little glimmer of hope that they’ll finally come to terms, and for a while it seems like it will.

37. Anne of a Thousand Days (1969)

When I was a teenager, I fell in love with a variety of screen actresses. One was Geneviève Bujold, due to roles in “Coma” and “Obsession.” While we all know the basics of Henry VIII’s wives, it was interesting to see it put into the human terms of Anne Boleyn. Bujold’s naïveté and inability to grasp how much she’s being manipulated make for compelling cinema.

38. They Shoot Horses, Don't They (1969)

I’m fine with downer screenplays. Hell, I’ve never written an upbeat story in my life. But even my dark stories of despair are overshadowed by this endlessly depressing tale. Did these dance contests really go on for weeks? How were they funded? Yowza-yowza-yowza, this is one I have no desire to watch again.

39. The Sand Pebbles (1966)

Again with career Navy characters. I see a trend.

40. The Pawnbroker (1965)

Before there was Archie Bunker, there was Rod Steiger’s Sol Nazerman. Of course, Nazerman has some ghosts that fuel his xenophobia. Interesting that a few years later, Steiger would portray the sheriff in “In the Heat of the Night,” another character taken over on television by Carroll O'Connor.

WatchCop

Regular readers (ha) will recall that I have a fascination with the director Peter Hyams. Tonight I ran the DVD of one of his lesser films, TimeCop. The movie is bad enough without the awful 4:3 pan-and-scan transfer, but take a look at the TimeCop's futuristic wristwatch (he's supposed to be from 2004, but the film takes place in 1994).

Now compare it with my own Casio DW-400, which I purchased for about $25 in 1993. (It still runs just fine. Now, the $800 Chase-Durer I bought back in my yuppie days? Different story.)

And no, I'm not wearing two sweaters. My wrists really are that hairy.

Clearly I was ahead of my, um, time.

Auf Wiedersehen, mein horchen

Today I said farewell to a good friend. After four years, almost exactly to the day, I've sold my beloved 2002 Audi A4. It was far from a trouble-free car; in fact, one could argue it was cursed. For example:

-A week after taking it home, we had our first snow in northern Virginia. Anxious to try out my quattro all-wheel drive, I backed the car out of the driveway... where it promptly got stuck. The tires just spun. Astounded, I called my salesman. "Well you have the sport package."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well it comes with summer tires."

"WTF are summer tires??"

"Well, they only work when it's warm. We will swap out all season tires for no charge."

I shrugged, "OK, let's do that."

"Well no, you've been driving it for a week. It's too late for that..."

So I bought a set of Michelin Alpins from TireRack. They worked great, but it was a pain switching them out every winter (and then back again every spring).

-In the summer of 2002, the car barely six months on the clock, I was leaving a shopping center and did not notice a metal can in the parking lot. I hit it. It hissed, and suddenly I smelled paint. It was a can of white rustoleum, which had exploded under the weight of the left front wheel. A few hours with Goo-Gone took care of the problem, but for years afterwards I'd find little splotches of white paint here and there.

-In its first year, it suffered not one but TWO coil pack failures. Then again, just about anyone who owned a 2002 VW proudct with the 1.8 turbo went through the same thing. The dealership gladly offered me a loaner car, but after six weeks I was tired of waiting, and bought new coil packs on eBay from Germany.

-In 2003, I was sitting in my living room when I heard a loud noise outside. Investigating, I'd discovered that some drunk had sideswiped the Audi while it was parked. He'd continued on to hit the curb, which tore off his right front wheel. When I approached him, he was trying to remove his license plate with his hands. He ran away when I started questioning him, but the police quickly found him... probably because he had a "for sale" sign in the back of his car, complete with his name and mobile phone number. The body shop brought it back to perfection, but it took weeks.

-In the spring of 2004, I was putting the summer tires back on. Now anybody who's used an Audi jack can probably tell you, they are a model of inefficiency, tinny, fragile little things. Sure enough, a second or two after I'd put a wheel back on, the car fell off the jack. No damage, and my fingers were (barely) clear, but it scared the crap out of me.

-Winter 2004, it was snowing quite hard before I got around the swapping the tires again. By now I'd purchased a floor jack, but was stymied as to how to get the damn wheels off the car -- apparently the two different types of metals that comprise the wheel and the hub form some kind of bond after time. It took a sledgehammer to finally knock the wheels off the car. That same day, I discovered another charming VW/Audi trait: If you keep the parking brake on, and it snows or sleets, there is an excellent chance the brake cable will freeze, making it very difficult to disengage the parking brake.

...And this is just a sampling of the car's bad luck. Yet, despite all of that, I still think it is one of the most beautiful sedans ever sold. I loved the balance, the amazing rigidity, and the many thoughtful touches. The engine always seemed ready for more, the 5-speed snick-snicked with almost a Honda's smoothness, and with the aforementioned snow tires, I never got stuck in snow. Not once. Quattro is an astounding piece of engineering.

I received a fair price for it, from a young fellow who was purchasing it for his college-bound sister. I hope it serves her well. I hope she's happy with it.

And it with her.

My Oscar Mission, 2005

Earlier in this blog I talked about how I’m trying to watch every film that won, or was nominated for, Oscars in the six major categories. In 2005, I managed to watch 109 of these films. That might sound impressive, until one realize there are 1,171 films from 1927 to 2004... As 2005 draws to a close, I’m looking back on those 109. To keep this somewhat manageable, I’ll break it into 20-film chunks. Working backward chronologically:

1. Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Loved it, other than the tacked on bit with Morgan Freeman in the shadows... clearly a post production decision when they realized there was no way his character could know the details for his letter. Sloppy.

2. The Aviator (2004)

One of the greatest biopics, from a master. But he’ll never get an Oscar.

3. Finding Neverland (2004)

The second she coughed, we all knew she was toast. Just once I’d like to see a character in a film cough without a reason. Dust, perhaps. But the kids, well they really did break your heart.

4. Ray (2004)

The brilliance of this film – and this performance – is made even more obvious after watching 2005’s Walk the Line, and noting how derivative the second film is.

5. Hotel Rwanda (2004)

The more we learn about Rwanda, and the more we learn about how the west did nothing, the worse our shame becomes.

6. Maria Full of Grace (2004)

Horrifying what poverty and desperation can drive people to. I couldn’t swallow one of those.

7. Vera Drake (2004)

Very well done for such a low budget. Note the lack of locations, and the tight shots; when we see the police cars, it’s a very very high angle... no doubt because it was out of the budget to dress an entire street to period. I love the way even her family can’t agree on her crimes, much as we as a public cannot reach a consensus.

8. Being Julia (2004)

I think Anette deserved the Oscar. Hillary had better not ever do live theatre with Ms Benning...

9. Closer (2004)

"My name is Jane." What a scene. The tensions that have been brewing for so long are erupting into rage, and Jane just smiles and takes the tips. She's the only strong character in the film. And we don't know her name.

10. Before Sunset (2004)

Boring beyond belief.

11. Before Night Falls (2000)

I’d never heard of Arenas before seeing the film. Now I wish to read his works.

12. You Can Count on Me (2000)

The complexity of the characters – even the kid – was impressive, and realistic. Even Matthew Broderick’s somewhat two-dimensional middle manager draws on a series of real bosses I’ve had over the years. Although I never slept with any of them.

13. Almost Famous (2000)

Penny Lane is taken aback for a moment, then recovers her spunky optimism, and says "What kind of beer?" It’s one of those classic film moments I’ll never forget. True story: I’d just re-arranged my video setup before watching this film, and somehow bent one of the pins in the S-video cable. So I watched this film in black and white. And thought it looked great...

14. The Straight Story (1999)

Alvin has had a great life, and it’s going to end on his terms. Sadly, Richard Farnsworth wasn’t acting: Soon after the film wrapped, he took his own life when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Is it insensitive to opine that Sissy Spacek deserved an Oscar for most annoying actress.

15. Sweet and Lowdown (1999)

Sean Penn is not a likeable guy. But his characters are usually pretty well drawn. His Emmet is believable, in all ways besides the guitar playing – not even close.

16. Gods and Monsters (1998)

Brendan Frasier started out so strong in "School Ties," but then fell into a nice groove playing loveable lunks. Here, and in "The Quiet American," he shows some true acting chops. I wish he could find more roles of a serious nature; his skill has earned them.

Wag the Dog (1997)

Reviewed earlier.

17. The Apostle (1997)

Terrific on so many levels, but… the last scene is just too damn long. I lost the passion when I saw the cops. I knew what was coming, and for a while, the tension built. And it stretched. Then it snapped, and I just started waiting for the inevitable. Trimmed by 10-12 minutes, this becomes a near-perfect film. The two ways that Sonny deals with Billy Bob could not be more different... or more effective.

18. In and Out (1997)

Didn’t much care for it, other than watching right-winger Tom Selleck engage in a homosexual kiss. If only Hollywood would stop making such trash, right Tom?

19. Secrets and Lies (1996)

Note how closely the mannerisms of Cynthia’s character match up with Vera Drake, another Mike Leigh film. How both women have a secret, and one that is a byproduct of sex. How both women cheerfully ignore the issue, until it’s thrust upon them, and note how similar the tears are. Not a slight – both films are powerful and well made.

20. The Crucible (1996)

Usually films derived from plays seem awkward with new blocking and sets. This one seemed like an original screenplay. All of the performances were strong, and quite convincing. The concept of mob hysteria has been with us forever, and we’re no closer to eliminating it today than we were in colonial times. Tsk.

This is my Set!

Further memories of Syriana

As part of the swing gang, we rarely got to see the big action -- stars, Panavision cameras, everything lit beyond belief. We either put together the set before anyone else arrived, or broke it after the A-team had long since moved on.

One exception was a day at Loyola College in Baltimore, which was doubling for (I think) Princeton. George Clooney and his son are waiting in the admissions office. Due to scheduling issues, we were dressing this set on the same day as the shoot. So my fellow crew members are all over at the truck, and I Have the Set, as we like to say, complete with capital letters. A few locations people come and go, and the DP wanders in to start looking over lighting angles. While I'm shooting continuity stills, this disheveled-looking character comes in and plops down on MY sofa! Figuring it to be yet another Loyola student that I need to shoo away, the words "Hey you!" are just about to come out of my mouth when the DP says "So, Steve, do you think we should go this way?" Yeah, I was just about to chase Director Stephen Gagan off his own set.

So I grabbed the above shot for history. Gagan noticed me, got up to walk out with the DP, turned to me and said "Hey, this looks great." Dressed in hiking boots, zip-off shorts, a t-shirt with some other production on it, and a belt full of tools and doo-dads, he instantly recognized me as art department.

Now if only the writer-directors wore uniforms too...

Church Basement Metal

Philadelphia, PA. The room is tiny. Whether that smell is the ginkgo tree outside, or a bit of residual vomit, it's hard to say, but one side of the room is off-limits as far as I'm concerned.

The basement of the First Unitarian Church of Philadelphia seems an odd place to host a multi-band death metal concert. But here we are, shooting the first of three nights to make a live video for Dillinger Escape Plan. I'm waiting around for the first three bands to finish, Flashbulb, Horse the Band, and Between the Buried and Me. I'm camped out in the church's kitchen, the remains of a thousand spaghetti dinners etched into the very walls. The crowd is young beyond belief, and very exuberant. I rather wish we were documenting the entire event.

When DEP finally comes on, I nestle into a corner, stage right. Looking around, it's obvious there are several times more cameras than musicians. Ben, the guitarist notes the same thing, and has their manager come by and see who's who. No, I say, there are only three of us; me on stage right, Eric (director and B-camera) roaming stage left, and Jeff standing on a chair in the back getting the wide shots. In short order, the manager has booted the bootleggers, and I have a little more breathing room.

The set is fast -- 40 minutes or so. But considering the astounding level of energy this band expends, it's long. Hell, I'm tired just standing there with an XL2 on my shoulder.

The wrap is quick, and even though we get lost a couple times in downtown Philly -- I've never seen a city that has four consecutive parallel one-way streets before -- we're in our Mt. Laurel hotel rooms in short order. I sit down to write these thoughts, the riffs still running through my head, and that familiar ringing in the ears.

I've discovered Death Metal at an advanced age.

Serious Syriana

One of the fun parts about working on a film is that you sometimes get to see the final product ahead of much of the public. True, Syriana opened in New York and LA a week or so ago, but last night the Maryland Film Office managed to pull together a crew showing at MICA, in Baltimore. It was quite exciting to see all of one's hard work finally stitched together so seamlessly.

The script is really quite complex, moreso even than Traffic. I must confess that more than once I was looking at a set, remembering how we put it together, which reminded me of events from that day, and totally zone on the dialogue for a moment or two. With most films, no big deal; with this one... you're lost. And I even read the script! (well, an earlier version, and it was over a year ago. Still).



Much of the film was shot in Baltimore, even though that city never actually plays a role. The DC suburb of Rockville is mentioned, even though that location was nowhere near Rockville IRL. The above still was from a brand-new housing development just outside of Baltimore; the houses weren't yet occupied, which made logistics a LOT easier.

Didn't get a credit, but as 3rd, that was to be expected. No worries. I'm proud of the work we did on this film, even if much of it wound up being cut. It was great experience, and I made a number of terrific contacts working on it. Plus a big chunk of memories -- for instance, our set-dressing warehouse, just off of I-95, was next door to a place that makes little air fresheners. Every few days, the armoa of the parking lot would change as they switched production lines.

Now, I need to watch the film again -- and this time, I need to pay attention to the LINES and not the SETS...

A Tivo weekend

Knocked six films off the list this weekend! At this rate, I'll be done by, mm, March of next year. If I watch six movies a day. Oy.

Imitation of Life (1959) Pretty melodramatic by today's standards, but probably pretty progressive for 1959. Could Sandra Dee be any more annoying? Then again, her character is supposed to be 16, so, yeah, annoying works. Nicely shot.

Captains Courageous (1937) It wasn't until the kid gets rescued by the fishing boat that I realized I'd read the book as a child. The captain's name -- Disco -- stuck out in 1976, for some reason. Freddie Bartholomew deserved the Oscar, even though Spencer Tracy's performance was impressive as well. In an era when child actors were SO over the top, Bartholomew shows a considerable arc.

In Old Chicago (1937) Ok, so I'm a student of film. Or at least like to pretend that I am. But some of these pre-1940 films are pretty unbearable. Sappy beyond belief, with blubbering children crying over the deaths of noble dads, utterly predictable storylines, but, in all fairness, a very nice job at special effects for 1937. But I simply have to mix some newer stuff in with these TCM-captures from the 20s and 30s, or I'm never going to finish this project.

Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde (1931) ..then again, every once in a while you stumble across an old gem. By now we all know the story, but doggone it if Frederic March doesn't pull off the job. Very clever use of filters and makeup to create the transition. I especially liked how March's speech was so slurred due to the dental work -- seemed authentic. Interesting how they pronounced it "Jee-kel" vs. "Jeh-kel." I wonder which is right?

Wag the Dog (1997) Before there was Harry Turtledove, there was SNL and "What if Napolean had a B-52?" So here we are with "What if Robert Altman directed The West Wing?" Can't believe it took me this long to see this film. Politics and Hollywood, does it get any better? Well no, unless Willy Nelson strums his Martin and sings "Albania, Albania..." "Hey, it rhymes."

Nell (1994) So this mountain woman who's never been out of her cabin and has only seen two people in her entire life still finds the time shave her pits and legs. Suspension of disbelief, I know, I know.

Next up: Some more oldies from TCM. Better brew some coffee...

Bleeding Burgundy and Gold

My beloved Redskins have had some hard luck lately. That BS call in Tampa Bay, for instance: Yeah yeah, it was a terrible call, but the 'skins brought in on themselves: Everyone in the stadium knew who was getting the ball. All they had to do was stop a slow, fat, over-the-hill fullback who is physically incapable of running more than three yards (but all he needed was two). Gruden lacks the imagination to try anything else in that situation. So the 'skins stopped him short, but not quite decisively enough; in a game that had the worst officiating I've ever seen in the NFL (bad calls going for both teams), and knowing exactly who's getting the ball, they let the runner get close. Inexcusable.

But the thing about being a football fan is there's really nothing you can do about it. Since that Tampa game, I've sat helplessly and watched bad plays, crazy coaching, stupid penalties, and obnoxious Raiders fans at FedEx field. Out of my hands.

Until today.

Is it possible that any announcer could better hit the exacta of annoying and uninformed than Brian Baldinger? One of the challenges associated with following a second-tier team like Washington is that you get the second (or ninth) tier announcers. This I'm subjected to Baldinger's "analysis" more than any human should have to. And the thing is... it's ok to be clueless. No one will think less of you. But when you combine the bliss of ignorance with a completely fake forceful, authoritative tone, it makes one scramble to hit the mute button.

SBM, with exoskeleton, seeks... um

Alien Loves Predator is one of the funniest things I've ever encountered online. It's a shame that "LOL" has become, well, meaningless, because I actually did, you know, laugh out loud. More than once. Created with plastic dolls and some very good PhotoShopping, the strip follows the misadventures of two roommates who just happen to be bloodthirsty alien creatures. In that the strip takes place in Manhattan, no one really notices, thus the two buddies pretty much behave like any other two single guys; they worry about the rent, the live and die by the success of their sports teams, and are inept with women. It's pure genius.

What I love is that many years ago, while a college student with a chronic doodling habit, I used to sketch little scenarios of "Al Ien," who was our friend H.R. Giger's 10-foot creation living among us. He played sports -- quite well, one would imagine -- exceling at both football and basketball. Never went anywhere with it, which is one of the huge differences between me and the very talented aLp creator Bernie Hou...